Wednesday, January 20, 2010

What I Meant to Say Wednesday

Excuse me normally funny person who I usually love to be around, remember when I said abso-friggin-lutely nothing the other day when I was over at your house and you were ranting about mean kids, specifically one of MINE!?!?

What I really meant to say was:

Even though you are 300 lbs and 6 foot 4, if you don't take a big swig of shutthehellup your super-sized Jack and Coke I'm going to climb up that massive body of yours and punch you dead in the mouth! Repeatedly. Until I see blood.

How dare you point fingers at my obnoxious angelic child and blame her for TWO things, when one was clearly done by another kid!!! Not to mention they ALL are acting just like... well, just like K-I-D-S!!!!

How dare you rant on and on about it like her quick-to-pounce, spider-monkey nonviolent mother wasn't even in the room!!!

How dare you act like this when her father, in another room tending to YOUR children, wasn't there to choke you out!!!

How dare you insult the perfect parenting style of myself and my husband because we don't SCREAM incessantly at our children instilling fear to their very core!!!!

I think it's time you find another babysitter, my dear friend, because apparently the 10 frigging hours I spend each and every weekday of my life taking care of your two demon precious spawnlings, who happen to actually listen to me and then turn into little hellions the instant their mom walks in the door, isn't proof enough of my impeccable parenting methods. Yes, my friend, I think it's time because I quit!

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. That felt so darn good!

You know you want to join in on the fun at Chief's! Go ahead... it's free therapy!

Science and Sex Ed... Hmm

I know... it's been a month since I've posted. After reading this post I can only pray the blog-Gods forgive me for my absence. Trust... it's funny.

So yesterday I get a two calls from the school of eldest child, age 15 and thoroughly enjoying her first year of high school. I'll save the call from the principal for the another post, but the first call was from Ms. Hensley, the science teacher.

Science just happens to be Nisha's first class of the day. Blah. Who wants learn all about scientific discoveries and technical terms at precisely 7:41 am five days a week?!?! I can feel her pain. Kind of. I don't feel the pain of the child who already has FOUR missing assignments this semester and barely passed a test when she's only been back to school after Christmas vacation for TWO weeks!!!

So I inform the lovely Ms. Hensley this problem will rectified the very next time she is graced with Nisha's presence -- rest assured -- and hang up.

Of course, after school Nisha is just as delightful as ever and carries on with her normal activities of snarfing down a couple hot dogs and planting her ample behind on the couch to catch up on her DVR'd Maury episodes. She just can't wait to see who the baby daddy is... or isn't. We have a screaming match pleasant chat about exactly why her science work isn't being turned in and what's her reply??? "I don't know." Ex-ca-use me. You don't know? Why don't you know? You attend that effing class each and every morning, know about the assignments, know your teacher gave you until Monday to get them all turned in and yet you don't know. I just don't get it.

So, being the meanass ever patient and loving mother that I am, Nisha is forced to get out her homework and get it finished. She gets out her book and papers and gets busy. Shortly after she's having a complete conversation with herself. Normally she saves these conversations for the bathroom. She'll walk in there, shut the door, and talk to herself in the mirror. That's normal right?

She didn't know I was listening, obviously, and if I wasn't it would be held against me later. She told herself she wasn't going to do the homework and she'd just ask a friend for help or get her teacher to help her, and shuts the book. Oh no, that's not going to work little sister. After telling her I was going to punch her in the head if she didn't straighten up gentle persuasion she opened the book back up and I decided to help.

So we get to the thermal expansion section of her textbook.

Science Lesson: For those of you nonscience geeks, it's like when the red or silver line in a thermometer rises when heated. I know. We all thought it was magic and the little red line just floated up to the right number. Actually, the red or silver line is either alcohol or mercury (which expand when heated) and because they have nowhere else to go as the temperature rises, the go up. Fancy huh?

Well, because Nisha isn't the brightest bulb in the box I try to explain things in a nonscience way so she'll understand. And the only thing I could think of was...


no, I mean are you really ready for this???

a weiner

That's all I had people. A weiner. I couldn't, for the life of me, come up with ANYTHING else on this God-forsaken planet that gets bigger when heated???

So I proceeed with my science/sex ed lesson by saying:

Me: I guess it's kind of like a weiner.

Nisha: (gasp) Mama!

Me: Well, it starts out small and as it heats up it stretches out and gets bigger right? It has nowhere else to go but out.

Nisha: (ears and cheeks turning red) Mama!

Me: Thermal expansion is what happens when a dong gets excited. But you can't use that example in class, k? They'll call CPS on me and they'll take you away forever. Promise me you won't use that example! Promise!!!

So there you have it. That's my answer and I'm sticking to it.

(Disclaimer: Thermal expansion is not the real explanation for a penile erection and should not be used as a real example, especially in science classes. It should be saved for biology, obviously.)