The Ex-Wife: The Saga Continues

History: I wasn't Andy's first.*Gasp* He wasn't my first.*Double gasp*

He married a lovely woman and has three kids with said lovely woman. I married a jackass lovely man and created one spawn by said lovely man.

They are in the process of a joint-custody divorce (which will be filed today YAY) and we've been living in sin for almost a year. Don't judge me dammit. He was already long gone from their relationship when I found him and stalked him and made him mine... with the help of several shots of Patron and a few make-out sessions in the truck after leaving the dart bar. I know, what a slut!

Anyhoo - down to the story. They have a very amicable relationship, of which I am completely jealous because my ex and I aren't on the greatest of terms. All in all, they have the best interest of the kids at heart and I think it's admirable that they don't mix their current lives and plans with the pain of divorce. Although, neither of them seem to be in much pain about this whole ordeal. Odd.

I've never really had an issue with this lovely woman. Ever. She's been kind to me and even her family seems to like me. I might even like her if she weren't the ex-wife lol. I, being a sceptical woman, think there is something behind the scenes going on. Women tend to judge other women, whether we admit it or not. Size each other up type of thing. I can't help but think they are only being soooo nice to get the scoop in our household and see what they can gossip about. I don't give them any fuel... whatever their intentions may be. And it could be they have no intentions are just nice people.

Then... Easter weekend happened and I got my very first dose of ex-wife BS. C'mon, it's been over a year that Andy and I have been together, so in her defense... it's about time she screwed up.

We were going over to Andy's moms house on Saturday b/c rain was in the forecast for Sunday. His mom has a school across the street from her house so it was a great place to hide eggs for the billion and one kids, grandkids, nieces, nephews, great nieces, great nephews and all the in-laws... ok you get the pic. Big Family!

Lovely ex-wife called at about 10:30 that morning wondering what time we were going to pick up the kids. He tells her between 2 and 2:30 as the Easter celebration started promptly at 3. She's notified. Agrees. All seems well.

We leave the house, Nisha, Andy and I, all rockin' the mini and ready to mingle with the fam. It's 2:15. We call said lovely ex-wife to let her know we are on the way. Common courtesy. Really, it's more of a "have the kids ready" type call so we aren't sitting there at her house (again) waiting for the kids to get shoes on, hair done, etc.

Said lovely ex-wife says they aren't at home. In fact, they are at a damn birthday party for a neighbor/friend of the oldest child, DD. Ex-ca-use me?!?! (Insert grumpy face emoticon here)

Ok, don't panic. He tells her firmly to have the kids at his mom's at 3. All is well again.

We arrive at his mom's chillin with the folks, having a good time with kids chomping at the bit to hunt Easter eggs. Three o'clock rolls around and we are still short THREE KIDS! Where in the hell are my kids?!?! (I know they aren't MY kids but they are MY kids, ya feel me?)

He calls. They are still at that damn party. Ok... now here's where I get pissed. Really pissed. That's rude. That's completely rude and unacceptable. We arranged to have the kids, gave her plenty of notice and even let her have Easter Sunday all to herself with the kids. That's TOTAL BS!

Andy calls her to rip her a new one and I don't even remember their conversation (believe me I tried to eavesdrop) because I was so damn mad. We have 20 kids all standing at the front door, whose parents brought them there ON TIME, for this flippin Easter egg hunt and WE are the hold up.... WE don't have our kids. Grrrr!

She shows up at about 3:15 all apologetic and shit. Whatever lovely ex-wife. What-the-eff-ever! He gets the kids, tells her all about how uncool that was and we proceeded with our day.

Good enough. I'm over it. We have the kids and the celebration begins.

Thennnnnnn, adding insult to injury, when it's time to take the kids home.... LOVELY EX-WIFE isn't in a place where she can receive the kids (because somehow it was our duty to return them to her place) and she tells us to drop them off at her sister's house. Uhhh...say what? I have met said sister and I don't agree with her lifestyle, especially when my kids are involved. Specifically, I remember picking up my beautiful babies from her house one afternoon at 1-ish and they all had red and green popsicle face and dear uncle of theirs informs me that they haven't had breakfast... just popsicles! Grrrrrrrr! Feed my babies you moron! (Insert really grumpy face emoticon here)

We ended up having a lovely day with the kiddo's and pretended like we didn't want to stab lovely ex-wife in the throat... with a knife. How morbid. I know. But when everything has gone exceptionally well for over a year, and then BAM we get his with ex-wife's complete disregard for our plans... it really, really hit me.

Enough ranting. Just writing about it pissed me off all over again!

**Disclaimer: If any of your family, or yourself, lovely ex-wife have access to my blog, please ignore my rant. I certainly don't want to stir up unnecessary feelings, but you REALLY pissed me off that day. Thank you in advance. (Insert smiley face emoticon here)

The Ex-Wife Saga Begins: I DONT LIKE MUSHROOMS

This is a post from a blog I wrote many moons ago (ok it was last year) in a group I've been a member of for years. I am posting here to give some history on the lovely ex-wife. Stay tuned for more about said lovely ex-wife.

08/15/08 - Ok so Andy and I have been seeing each other for a few months. By this time we have introduced our children to each other and do group things with the kids. Memorial day weekend is coming up and Andy's family has a family reunion out at Canton Lake. I've been invited, but I'm a bit apprehensive because this is a big, very close family. I keep hearing horror stories about how they hate Andy's ex-wife and what big a-holes all the guys can be. My impression was that these folks were pretty old-fashioned roughnecks who liked a hot plate on the table when they got home from work and the little lady would have a boot upside her neck if she didn't comply.

Well, a week before the reunion the "ex" calls Andy and tells him that "her" kids aren't going away with him for the weekend unless she gets to meet me. Immediately Andy goes left of course, because she worded it more as a threat than as a request. Being a woman, a mother and an ex-wife myself, I know what's going through her mind and the real reasons behind this "meeting" she's wanting. We all say it's because we want to know the person who is spending so much time with our kids, when in fact, we want to make sure the new love is fatter and not as pretty as we are. We want to see for ourselves that her thighs jiggle when she walks and she doesn't have that great of an ass. We've just got to see that she's got grey hair or a bad dye job and she wears her pants too tight b/c she thinks she's a lot smaller than she really is. Point blank -- ex's are calculating and have agendas.

After he gives her a few words on threatening him with his kids, Andy approaches me, very carefully, and tells me that the ex wants to meet me. No problem. I saw this coming a mile away. But I've been to this rodeo before and I can tell you this -- I gave her exactly what she was looking for. I'm not a pretentious "plastic" by any means. I showed up at her house and offered nothing but the real me. My hair was in a knot on top of my head, no make-up, worn out flip flops, a faded t-shirt and capris that were at least one size too big. Plus, I won't allow this to be a competition. It's simple -- I have him because you gave him up. Sucka! (ok, so it was a little fun for me)

We were going to stop by her house after she got home from work. The time was all set up. Well, after sitting outside her house for nearly 15 minutes before she showed up, I was a little peeved. Being that I'm chronically late for everything too though, I couldn't admit to being that mad, at least not outloud.

She pulls up in her big fancy suburban and all three kids safely buckled in. We get out of the car and head up the driveway to help her get the kids out of the car. He introduces us. "Katie, Denise... Denise, Katie". I'm not a hand shaker. I don't really like to touch people, especially those I don't know... and she reaches out her hand. Just seems odd to me, two ladies sitting out there shaking hands. Isn't that more of a guy thing? I don't know. Anyway, I take her hand and we nod our heads and put on pretend smiles. It wasn't really an uncomfortable moment, we were just too busy sizing each other up to really be cordial. She's pretty. Very pretty.

We all go into the house and get cozy. In my mind I'm wondering how long I have to be here. I met her. My job is done. Why am I still here? So the ex and I are sitting in the recliners and Andy cops a squat on the floor directly in front of us. The oldest child, then 9, goes to kid with him. The ex is just chatting away, talking to Andy, the kids and even me. I'm off in my own little world watching the youngest play in the diningroom and when I hear the ex and Andy giggling. I look back and apparently the oldest child was looking at her mother and I right in front of her and said, "Ya'll look a lot alike." Huh?!?! Don't get me wrong, I took it as a compliment. She's an attractive lady. It was more uncomfortable for Andy than anyone I think. I'm cracking up on the inside b/c she's Mexican, I'm clearly not. We don't look alike, but admittedly we are shaped similar.

This is taking entirely too long to get to the damn mushrooms. Let me fastforward.

We met, Andy and I left and that was that. One week left until the camping trip and the kids and I are getting very excited. Over the next week I meet more and more of Andy's family. These folks are great! I have no clue what he's talking about when he says they can be a bunch of a-holes. They all have been nothing but nice to me.

The day before we are leaving for Canton Lake, Andy decides to total his truck. Ok, it wasn't his fault and he's lucky I wasn't there. That dingbat kid who drove underneath his truck bed while she was looking at her flippin radio would have had my fist in her throat. By the grace of God, he wasn't hurt, but now we are down a vehicle and all of us can't fit in my little sedan with a ton of camping stuff. It just wasn't going to happen.

Andy calls the ex, tells her he needs to use her suburban. Surprisingly, she agreed. I was pretty much in awe at this point. I didn't want to like her, simply because she's the ex. It's odd. Not only am I taking her place at the family reunion, I'll be taking care of her kids and riding in her suburban. Wow. I'm not sure I would be so gracious in that spot.

Ok, the next morning, we get to the house to pick up the kids. They aren't ready. Here I go. I'm peeved again. They aren't even packed. Really? Are you seriously that bad of a procrastinator? I honestly think the only reason I was pissed was because I knew I was going to have to go back in that house, put on a smile and chill with the ex. Grrrrr!

I sit down while she's running around the house trying to pack things up, brush hair and chase kids.

Let me back up for a second. When Andy told me the ex wanted to meet me, she suggested we all go out to dinner. My reaction? "Bahahahahahahaha! I'll meet the mother of your children but we aren't going to break bread. We aren't going to be best friends and go clubbing together. It just aint gonna happen." My exact words I tell ya!

Ok, Andy is helping her get the kids ready when she decides to go into the kitchen and feed the kids. Seems appropriate, feed the kids before you send them on a roadtrip. I'm thinking cereal, quick and easy. This woman gets out a big ole skillet and decides to scramble up some eggs and make some grits. Not as quick as my idea.

She turns to face me and asks, "Do you like mushrooms?"

Andy is positioned perfectly in the livingroom where I can see him and she can't. He almost dropped to his knees. I was dying inside and he thinks this is the funniest moment in history. He gives me a deer-in-headlights look, waiting for me to open my mouth and respond. I'm not great at hiding my expressions, not at all. And I can't turn to glare at him b/c she's standing right there... looking at me... waiting for my answer.

I'm contemplating on how to appropriately answer this question. Do I like mushrooms? I mean really? What's the big deal? It seems like a simple enough question. So what do I do? I stumble all over my words, like a blithering idiot, trying to find the right thing to say without offending her.

"No. I mean, yes I do. But not right now. I mean, I like them, I'm just not hungry. But thank you." Total lie. I was hungry. I love mushrooms, but not cooked!

She seemed satisfied with my answer and turns back around to cook. My eyes meet Andy's and he's having a hay day with this. He's whispering under his breath about breaking bread with her and how she's cooking me breakfast. I wanted so badly to kick him in the chin and wipe that smirk off his face.

So now, anytime we talk about going over to pick up the kids, he brings up the mushrooms. In fact, he's told his whole family about the time that his ex cooked me breakfast. It wasn't for ME and I didn't want her damn mushrooms!

School Night, UGH!

School tonight, and although I feel like a student again after Xmas break, I really don't want to go to class tonight. I don't feel good. I'm such a whiney baby when I'm sick too. Poor Andy and Nish... they are the ones that have to deal with me lol.

For the last two days my neck has been sore and today it moved to my throat. I have the cooties! I'm not sure if this is swollen glands or what, but I've got some antibiotics called in for me and I'll start those tonight. I look pasty white and almost dead. It's almost like my face gets a few more pre-wrinkles (I'm only 35, I'm NOT admitting to full blown wrinkles just yet) when I'm not up to par. Like because I'm laying on the couch, dying and having a pity party for myself, my body thinks I'm aging at some marathon speed and proceeds to pre-wrinkle me.

I guess it wouldn't be so bad if I could work alone in the class, but we are in groups for this particular class. Now I'm going to risk giving my other team members the cooties too (and we are self proclaimed "The Happy Group"). Great. I'm sure they'll be thrilled about that. I would skip tonight, but I skipped the first night of this class and you can only have one absence per class and repeat the class at full price. At $4K a semester, I'm not repeating ANY classes! Four hours of Discrete Math tonight and then I'm going straight to bed. Ugh!

I'm leaving dinner plans up to Andy and Nish... I say it's a fish-something-out-of-the-fridge-yourself night. I can't even open my mouth wide enough right now to shovel food in there. I'm hydrating myself with Pepsi, and keeping the pain low with handfuls of ibuprofen. I'm sure that's a perfect balance for boosting my immune system to kick this bug. I think it's moving to my ear now... as I type... there's some odd sensation going on my my left ear, like a fullness or something. I'm falling apart!

It's almost 5 and I've got to be ready to go in 30 minutes. Andy is taking me to class tonight and delivering our entertainment center we no longer want to his ex-wife (see what a wonderful person I am, giving my furniture to the ex) so he'll need the truck. All the better for me... I don't have to drive with medicine-head feeling.

So I'm going now.

Maybe.

As soon as I can pry my big arse out of this chair...