Home Alone

So it's Wednesday... I hope everyone was able to enjoy their holiday weekend.

First and foremost... I'd just like to say that I finished this semester with three A's and two B's. Somehow I managed to pull a B out of my art class! I'm so proud of me!

My sister and her Dick flew in from Cali on Thursday and left yesterday evening. We had such a blast! We threw a dart tournament on Friday night at my local white trailer trash bar... of course Dick took first place... but Andy got second place so we were happy. Sucks to get beat in your own bar by out of towners though. My partner for the tournie, Mango, was not on his game and I could only do so much. He's a great shot and we've gone to the top before as partners. We all have bad nights though. We were out in 2 and 2. Bleh. My sister got my best guy friend Chris for a partner. They played a while, but didn't make it to the finals. All in all it was a super fun night. Dick wow'd everyone with his skills on the dart board and my sister kept everyone entertained, as usual.

We did get to Texas to see our mom and granny on Saturday and Sunday. Before we left though, we had to stop at a doc-in-a-box clinic to get some x-rays of my Dick's arm. Somehow he hurt it the night before. We all joked and said that Andy tried to break his dart arm since he was getting spanked over and over again. Too bad he broke the wrong arm. It was a nice visit in Texas though. This is the first time our family has had the chance to meet my sissy's Dick. They really liked him, but seriously, what's not to like? Andy cooked supper on Sunday evening and shortly after we headed back home.

Monday we had a little BBQ at our house with a few close friends, went to throw some darts that evening and called it an early night.

Now they are gone and I miss my sissy :-( She's my bestest friend in the whole wide world and I don't get to see her nearly enough. She keeps me laughing the entire time we are together. We are going to Florida to their summer house in July to see them for a week though. This summer we decided to take the two oldest kids, 10 and 15, with us and drive out there. We can make it there in 20 hours and round trip gas money will cost what one plane ticket would cost. My sister will have her two youngest with her, 7 and 19, so it will be a great family vaca for all of us.

I would have pics to post, because my sissy has an awesome camera that I want soooo bad and she won't let me have it, but she left all the memory cards in Texas, and the one she had left in the camera wouldn't read on my stupid laptop. Our mama is mailing the cards to me though, instead of my sissy, because I'd never get the pictures if she mailed them directly to her. I'm still waiting on my pictures from last summer's trip to Florida.

Anyhoodle, I'm back to my normal routine again... I have one more week... hell it's already Wednesday... I only have three days counting today... of kids still in school. Then my world will be filled with 6 kids during the day, and still trying to work through it all.

This weekend we have the kids and then next weekend we are off to Missouri for the outdoor steel tip dart tournie. Can't wait!

I guess I should get back to work if I want to be able to throw darts tonight with Andy, especially since the babies are down for a nap.

Have a wonderful day bloggy peeps!

Ever Been Attacked by a Lauper Hobbit?

I have. Mix this:
With this:

And you get the broad that attacked me Friday night at the $500 dart tourney.

Shall I start from the beginning?

Let me give you a visual of this bar first. White trailer trash bar with a bunch of redneck men, most of whom are married. Most of these folks are tight-knit and have been coming here for years. This is a second home, and they are protective of their family. It's a Friday night, so that means the dart players are there, and they are in a category all to themselves. There is also karaoke -- drunk karaoke. It's a mess of things going on every Friday night. And occasionally, we get the young crowd that tries to run up in this hole in the wall dive and take things over. They are louder, more obnoxious and hormonal. The drinks are STRONG and CHEAP, so these morons are getting smashed without even knowing it and, 9 times out of 10, end up making complete asses of themselves.

Case in point: Lauper Hobbit vs. Spider Monkey

I'm teamed up with a dude named George. It's a blind draw tournament, so you never know who your partner is going to be, except if you are a female, you know you get a male partner. More men play than females, so there ends up being mostly male/female teams with a few male/male teams.

Anyway... George and I are playing on board 1. This is the dart board that is closest to the pool tables, and another section of the bar. These people, the new ones who don't know dart etiquette (there are rules people!), seem to want to walk up close and personal to those of us throwing for a $500 pot, instead of going around to the other side of the bar. I'm at the line, getting ready to throw and this Lauper Hobbit comes up close enough to stop me from throwing as she is trying to get around to the bar. I stop, take a step back and say, "Can't these people see we are THROWING!"

Lauper Hobbit's first mistake was the stop, look at me and say, "What did you just say?"

At 5'5" I'm no giant, but I had to look down at Lauper Hobbit and tell her politely (hahahaha) that she should go around to the other side to get to the bar because we are in a tournament and she was being rude.

She, obviously in a drunken state of mind, didn't know she was messing with Spider Monkey (a loving nickname given to me by my best guy friend Chris many moons ago when I jumped on the hood of a guys car, after whipping his ass, to again, politely, tell him he wasn't wanted at this bar).

Anyhoo - someone steps in the middle of us and then a friend of hers comes to her side and drags her off to the pool table area again, profusely apologizing drunk Lauper Hobbit's intrusion.

All is good. I'm throwing my darts, having a good time and didn't think twice about the little drunk person.

George is up at the line and I'm leaning on one of the pool tables waiting for my turn. Mind you, this is a double elimination tournament, and we've already lost one match. If we lose this match, we are out of the tournament. WAY too early in the night for me to be out!

Lauper Hobbit's second and final mistake: She comes right up to my face... ok, she's really eye level with my boobs... looks up to me and says "Excuse me" in a sassy tone. I wave for her to move to the side. There's plenty of room to my right for her to get her little body around me and scram. Apparently she didn't think that was a good enough idea. She stands there. Looking up at me. Blood red eyes, jet black dyed hair, a ton of makeup and some fancy getup that only Cyndi Lauper herself would actually look good wearing.

"Go around." I say, without giving her much satisfaction, and look over her head at the dart board.

"What if I don't want to?" she chimes in, like a smartass teenager. This biotch is obviously looking for a fight. Her fists are clenched, jaw is jutted out and she's ready for some action. Stupid girl.

"Well, then you can go that way, " I tell her as I push her backward and out of my face. Now, she's not much taller than my 10-year-old, so I know not to use full force or she'd end up clear across the bar.

This chick goes crazy. She gets knocked back a couple of feet from me pushing her and then she's like a midget-bull in a China shop. I think I could actually see smoke coming from her nostrils and digging her feet into the tile as she literally started charging for me. DONK! I punch her in the face (it was more like she ran into my fist though, after all, she was charging at me) one good time before Phillip (a 50-something previous owner of the bar, husband to the bartender that night and friend of mine), grabs a hold of the mighty midget and begins to wrestle her to the ground. Her arms are flying everywhere! She's desperately reaching for me! So I reach out to her, and tag her again in the head. I may have gotten one more punch in before Phillip flattens her little body on the ground.

Next thing I know, she's out the door. After all is said and done I see Andy wearing a shit-eatin grin when he tells me, "I knew she was fixing to get tagged when she stepped up to you like that. I just sat back and watched."

White Trailer Trash/Redneck Bar Fight Scoreboard for May 8, 2009

Spider Monkey: 1

Lauper Hobbit: 0

Ok ok, I know. Some may say I'm too old to be punching broads in the head. Other may say I'm too old for bar fights. Not to mention I'm a mommy. But yanno what, I'm also a person. A person that doesn't take shit. Real talk. And I'll be damned if I'm going to get hit first. It's just a rule I have. I especially don't like getting hit in the face. That broad was definitely going to pull something, I just beat her to the "punch".

Monday Mania

OK what the flip man? Why when I wake up on a dreary Monday morning, after NOT sleeping well at all even though it stormed and that's usually when I have my best sleep, do I hear about a pig flu epidemic? No confirmed cases in Oklahoma yet, although half of our surrounding states have them, and I'm just a wee bit worried since I've been down with this horrible coughing snotty hacking sneezing bronchial infection for OVER A WEEK NOW! Even my normal savior Mucinex coupled with Sudafed isn't doing the trick. I think I'm over the worst of it, but every morning I still wake up to a cough attack and that elephant on my chest feeling. Ugh!

On to more pleasant things, like my weekend recap:

Friday Andy and I went to a dart tournament. The pot was $500 and we were ready to play! I got a pretty good partner, and Andy was partnered with our best friends new wife. She's okay, but neither of us really had a chance to take home the money that night. Cody, another dart player, is following me around the dang bar for over an hour before he finally stopped me and said, "You have a daycare right?" Well, I told him I keep a couple kids out of my house, but they are family. He goes into his whole story AGAIN about his girl and their new baby and needing a day care and willingness to drive the boy to me and he's a newborn and he doesn't trust anyone and I'm not with the State am I and how big is my house and blahblahblahblahblah! Cody! Shut the hell up man! I'm trying to throw back tequila shots with beer chasers and you are screwing with my buzz man! And dang Donna brought her camera so there are umpteen pictures of Andy and I, along with the other drunkards in the bar, highlighting just how unpretty we can look when intoxicated. And then I see that Donna has them all posted up on her MySpace. Great. Just great!

Saturday morning Andy headed off to go fishing with the nephews at like 5 in the morning. Pffft, I didn't even know he was gone until I woke up at 8:30. I texted him to tell him to have a great day and rolled back over because Taco Bell doesn't open until 10. NOTHING is better than Taco Bell for a hangover. NOTHING.

Except Subway. The 15y/o and I decided we each needed a footlong. Pigs. I saved half of my sammich for later, but that kid of mine ate the whole thing in like 4 minutes flat. Seriously, I don't think she said a word until she had snarfed the entire sammich down! And then proceeded to tell me how much smaller her sammich was then mine because she doesn't put tomatoes on hers. Um... ok horker.

Saturday was a completely lazy day. I was supposed to work, but since the words on the screen didn't make much sense to me, I decided just to lay up and watch the boob tube with the teen all day long. We did manage to get to the grocery store though. I knew Andy hadn't eaten anything all day long so I wanted him to come home to a hot plate. Aww such a good girlfriend I know. I should get an award or something. I went in the grocery store for hamburger meat to make a meatloaf.. and ended up spending $45 on junk. And hamburger meat. Andy came home about 9 and dinner still wasn't ready lol. He was muddy, exhausted, starving... and supper wasn't ready! There goes my award.

Sunday we slept in and cuddled. It's been a long time since we just layed there and snuggled in bed. Sometimes we slip into this routine, that dull routine with our backs to each other at night, and we don't move until that stupid Mariachi (sp?) band alarm starts yapping on full blast volume. We can't be the only couple that does this... but we've only been together a little over a year and it's already happening. He's hot natured and I'm always frozen, so if I try to get close while he's asleep, when he gets hot he'll toss and turn until I get away from him lol. Then when he tries to get close to me, after his body heat warms me up, I find myself sticking my left foot out of the sheet, then my right foot, and before I know it I'm yanking away from him because I'm too hot. Fat folks trying to snuggle can get complicated.

I worked yesterday afternoon and up until about 9 pm. Of course there were like 239087234 breaks that I took, but I managed to get my work done so we could watch a movie together. Joyride 2. Don't waste your time if you haven't already. I will never get that hour and a half back. The first one was way better. Andy and I just sat there finding all the flaws in the script and filming. And if they are obvious enough for ME to find, something is really wrong with the film.

So we head to bed, snuggle for a few minutes and then we being the toss and turn game again. I dreamt I was a lesbian. Odd. We should definitely snuggle more.

Then I wake up this morning to the pig flu epidemic. And I remember all the homework I've been putting off since class last Wednesday. Good thing I have the next two days off.

That about sums up my weekend. I suppose I should go clean or do homework or something.

Monday Minutes

Just a recap of the last few days:

Thursday after Nisha, the 15 y/o, comes home from school she tells me she's gay. I guess she was looking for a shock-face from me, but didn't get one. My reply, "As long as you're happy." Then she changes her mind. She decides she's got a girlfriend, but she's also too boy crazy to be gay, so she's going to be bi. "As long as you are happy baby girl." I let it go. She followed me around the house telling me more about this new girlfriend of hers and I just listened.

Friday I tried my hand at canning. That's right... I canned. I made some applesauce (cuz nothing beats homemade applesauce) and canned it. It worked! Ahhh, the simple pleasures lol. Nisha was away at a vocal competition all day and they took 2nd place! Go girl! Then after school Nisha tells me she's being ridiculed for being gay. She looked so sad. Then she tells me it was just a joke and she's not really gay, but she certainly didn't like the way kids were being so mean about it. "As long as your happy baby girl, but now you see it's not so nice to poke fun about something so serious huh?" She agreed.

Friday night Andy and I go out for the dart tournament and a drama filled night at the bar. Ugh. Two of our friends had birthdays coming up, so that was the designated night to par-tay! All was good for most of the night until everyone who boycotted our home bar because one of the birthday girls (who happened to be a bartender there) was 86'd and fired the night before wanted to show up at that bar. Why? What was the point? "Hey, we are boycotting your bar but we are going to act like a bunch of heathens and show up here just to prove a point." Ridiculous. Andy and I left right after we got there. Got us some drunk burgers from Mickey D's and passed out at home.

Saturday we did the Easter egg hunt at his mom's with the rest of the fam because of the 100% chance of rain on Sunday. Nisha rode with us and Andy's ex-wife dropped off the rest of our crew (Oh I've got story about that fiasco, but I'll save it for another time lol). Good times! I love hanging out with his family. They are really some good people. That evening a bunch of us were going to meet up at one of the nephew's houses for some drinks and fun, but my old ass was too hung over from the night before... Man I remember the days when I could party the entire weekend... So long 20's, I'm an old broad now.

Sunday we took Nisha too her dad's so she could go to church with his family. Her dad was out of town (what moron schedules a couple's retreat on Easter weekend?!?!?!) but her older sister called and asked that we bring Nisha out there and she'd bring her home. I thought that was a really nice gesture. Nisha sometimes feels left out of their lives and I know it made her feel all warm and fuzzy... especially since her own daddy didn't even call to say Happy Easter! Sense some animosity? Perhaps.

Andy and I spent a lazy day on the couch watching Big Love and eating snackies. I really enjoy my lazy days with him, especially when I get him all to myself. I love having all the kids together and I love being a mommy, but our alone time is precious to me too. It's an odd feeling to me. In past relationships I would have felt smothered, but with Andy I can't get enough. I'd rather be curled up next to him on the couch than out and about. It's a great feeling. A really great feeling.

And today... I've got work until noon, homework until 5 and then class tonight. Somewhere in there I'll get supper started so we can eat before I head to class. This is the 4th of 5 weeks of Intro to Holocaust. Tonight Nisha and Andy will do their ritual bonding time while I'm away. I love that they have quality time too. Nisha really loves him to pieces, and I know he feels the same about her.

So I guess I should get busy with my day huh?

Bartender...I'll have a Chewbacca please!

So Andy and I are at the bar Friday night for the $500 dart tournament. We rarely get out to these anymore and thought since this was a kid-free zone all weekend we'd venture out into the snow and go play darts.

Now this is a whole-in-the-wall Redneck bar with a bunch of drunk old farts, random trailer trash chicks wearing way too much makeup and prancing about in their coochie cuttin jeans. My friend is the bartender there and she's brought in a younger crowd, plus the "dart peeps" are there... and if you've ever played darts or seen a tournament, this is an entirely different world of people lol.

Well you mix all these folks up and you've got my favorite bar in town. The drinks are strong and cheap, the company is good for a laugh, and there is darts and karaoke every Friday night! I love it!

So my good ole boy Rusty is perched on his usual spot at the bar. He's like "Norm" from Cheers. He's a totally sarcastic, always drunk, rather rotund man who looks to be in his 50s. For some reason when I first started coming to this bar, Rusty took a liking to me and he's been my protector of sorts. He might be big, and he might be a drunk ole fart, but he can kick some bar butt!

I'm on my way to the juke box b/c Andy wants to hear "Country Boy Can Survive", one of his dart playing mojo songs he loves to hear. Rusty pulls me over to him and starts yapping about a new shot he's been doing at the bar. Now, he's a Jager kind of man and I couldn't imagine him venturing off.

Rusty: Denise, you've got to try this one. It's a Chewbacca.

Me: Like Star Wars Chewbacca? Ok what's in it? (I'm always game for a new shot!)

Rusty: Hell I don't know. All I know is I had three of them the other night and it did for me what 10 Jager's would do...

Me: Well you know Rusty, you have a Jager-tolerance like no other. NOBODY can put away Jager like you. Is this shot gonna put me on my ass?

Rusty: No no, it's good. And it's sweet too. It was so sweet I had to have a lemon. Don't even need a chaser. C'mon just try one with me.

Me: I'm going to ask Cathy (the bartender) what's in it. I don't trust you. You're just trying to get me drunk so I'll try out your new bath towels! (Long story - maybe I'll share that one another time LOL)

So I meander over to Cathy ask what the hell Rusty is talking about:

Me: Cathy, he says he's got a new shot for me...a Chewbacca.

Cathy: A what?

Me: A Chewbacca. What's in it?

Cathy: Never heard of it. Where did he get it?

Rusty: C'mon Cathy. It's that damn shot you've been giving me for the last three nights!

Immediately Cathy cracks up. Rusty and I are standing there looking stupid because we don't get it.

Cathy: That's TUACA Rusty, not CHEWBACCA!



After I finished pointing and laughing at Rusty, I bought him a Chewbacca. He wasn't lying, it is Yum!