Wednesday, April 15, 2009

The Ex-Wife Saga Begins: I DONT LIKE MUSHROOMS

This is a post from a blog I wrote many moons ago (ok it was last year) in a group I've been a member of for years. I am posting here to give some history on the lovely ex-wife. Stay tuned for more about said lovely ex-wife.

08/15/08 - Ok so Andy and I have been seeing each other for a few months. By this time we have introduced our children to each other and do group things with the kids. Memorial day weekend is coming up and Andy's family has a family reunion out at Canton Lake. I've been invited, but I'm a bit apprehensive because this is a big, very close family. I keep hearing horror stories about how they hate Andy's ex-wife and what big a-holes all the guys can be. My impression was that these folks were pretty old-fashioned roughnecks who liked a hot plate on the table when they got home from work and the little lady would have a boot upside her neck if she didn't comply.

Well, a week before the reunion the "ex" calls Andy and tells him that "her" kids aren't going away with him for the weekend unless she gets to meet me. Immediately Andy goes left of course, because she worded it more as a threat than as a request. Being a woman, a mother and an ex-wife myself, I know what's going through her mind and the real reasons behind this "meeting" she's wanting. We all say it's because we want to know the person who is spending so much time with our kids, when in fact, we want to make sure the new love is fatter and not as pretty as we are. We want to see for ourselves that her thighs jiggle when she walks and she doesn't have that great of an ass. We've just got to see that she's got grey hair or a bad dye job and she wears her pants too tight b/c she thinks she's a lot smaller than she really is. Point blank -- ex's are calculating and have agendas.

After he gives her a few words on threatening him with his kids, Andy approaches me, very carefully, and tells me that the ex wants to meet me. No problem. I saw this coming a mile away. But I've been to this rodeo before and I can tell you this -- I gave her exactly what she was looking for. I'm not a pretentious "plastic" by any means. I showed up at her house and offered nothing but the real me. My hair was in a knot on top of my head, no make-up, worn out flip flops, a faded t-shirt and capris that were at least one size too big. Plus, I won't allow this to be a competition. It's simple -- I have him because you gave him up. Sucka! (ok, so it was a little fun for me)

We were going to stop by her house after she got home from work. The time was all set up. Well, after sitting outside her house for nearly 15 minutes before she showed up, I was a little peeved. Being that I'm chronically late for everything too though, I couldn't admit to being that mad, at least not outloud.

She pulls up in her big fancy suburban and all three kids safely buckled in. We get out of the car and head up the driveway to help her get the kids out of the car. He introduces us. "Katie, Denise... Denise, Katie". I'm not a hand shaker. I don't really like to touch people, especially those I don't know... and she reaches out her hand. Just seems odd to me, two ladies sitting out there shaking hands. Isn't that more of a guy thing? I don't know. Anyway, I take her hand and we nod our heads and put on pretend smiles. It wasn't really an uncomfortable moment, we were just too busy sizing each other up to really be cordial. She's pretty. Very pretty.

We all go into the house and get cozy. In my mind I'm wondering how long I have to be here. I met her. My job is done. Why am I still here? So the ex and I are sitting in the recliners and Andy cops a squat on the floor directly in front of us. The oldest child, then 9, goes to kid with him. The ex is just chatting away, talking to Andy, the kids and even me. I'm off in my own little world watching the youngest play in the diningroom and when I hear the ex and Andy giggling. I look back and apparently the oldest child was looking at her mother and I right in front of her and said, "Ya'll look a lot alike." Huh?!?! Don't get me wrong, I took it as a compliment. She's an attractive lady. It was more uncomfortable for Andy than anyone I think. I'm cracking up on the inside b/c she's Mexican, I'm clearly not. We don't look alike, but admittedly we are shaped similar.

This is taking entirely too long to get to the damn mushrooms. Let me fastforward.

We met, Andy and I left and that was that. One week left until the camping trip and the kids and I are getting very excited. Over the next week I meet more and more of Andy's family. These folks are great! I have no clue what he's talking about when he says they can be a bunch of a-holes. They all have been nothing but nice to me.

The day before we are leaving for Canton Lake, Andy decides to total his truck. Ok, it wasn't his fault and he's lucky I wasn't there. That dingbat kid who drove underneath his truck bed while she was looking at her flippin radio would have had my fist in her throat. By the grace of God, he wasn't hurt, but now we are down a vehicle and all of us can't fit in my little sedan with a ton of camping stuff. It just wasn't going to happen.

Andy calls the ex, tells her he needs to use her suburban. Surprisingly, she agreed. I was pretty much in awe at this point. I didn't want to like her, simply because she's the ex. It's odd. Not only am I taking her place at the family reunion, I'll be taking care of her kids and riding in her suburban. Wow. I'm not sure I would be so gracious in that spot.

Ok, the next morning, we get to the house to pick up the kids. They aren't ready. Here I go. I'm peeved again. They aren't even packed. Really? Are you seriously that bad of a procrastinator? I honestly think the only reason I was pissed was because I knew I was going to have to go back in that house, put on a smile and chill with the ex. Grrrrr!

I sit down while she's running around the house trying to pack things up, brush hair and chase kids.

Let me back up for a second. When Andy told me the ex wanted to meet me, she suggested we all go out to dinner. My reaction? "Bahahahahahahaha! I'll meet the mother of your children but we aren't going to break bread. We aren't going to be best friends and go clubbing together. It just aint gonna happen." My exact words I tell ya!

Ok, Andy is helping her get the kids ready when she decides to go into the kitchen and feed the kids. Seems appropriate, feed the kids before you send them on a roadtrip. I'm thinking cereal, quick and easy. This woman gets out a big ole skillet and decides to scramble up some eggs and make some grits. Not as quick as my idea.

She turns to face me and asks, "Do you like mushrooms?"

Andy is positioned perfectly in the livingroom where I can see him and she can't. He almost dropped to his knees. I was dying inside and he thinks this is the funniest moment in history. He gives me a deer-in-headlights look, waiting for me to open my mouth and respond. I'm not great at hiding my expressions, not at all. And I can't turn to glare at him b/c she's standing right there... looking at me... waiting for my answer.

I'm contemplating on how to appropriately answer this question. Do I like mushrooms? I mean really? What's the big deal? It seems like a simple enough question. So what do I do? I stumble all over my words, like a blithering idiot, trying to find the right thing to say without offending her.

"No. I mean, yes I do. But not right now. I mean, I like them, I'm just not hungry. But thank you." Total lie. I was hungry. I love mushrooms, but not cooked!

She seemed satisfied with my answer and turns back around to cook. My eyes meet Andy's and he's having a hay day with this. He's whispering under his breath about breaking bread with her and how she's cooking me breakfast. I wanted so badly to kick him in the chin and wipe that smirk off his face.

So now, anytime we talk about going over to pick up the kids, he brings up the mushrooms. In fact, he's told his whole family about the time that his ex cooked me breakfast. It wasn't for ME and I didn't want her damn mushrooms!


Lana said...

*in a sing song voice* - Awk-ward! Wow. Kudos to you girl! I met my boyfriend's ex girlfriend once. And I have never felt more awkward. But I didn't have to go to her house!!

I looove fried mushrooms. Mmmm. Does this mean we can't be friends? Haha :)

blueviolet@A Nut in a Nutshell said...

Yep, that's gonna stick with you for good! LOL

Cara said...

Wow, wow, wow. Geez. I can't wait to see where the rest of your stories go.

Ahh. Good 'ol Canton Lake. My husband & FIL love to go fishing there.

Susan said...

Ooh, I LOVE that you are an ex and you have to deal with an ex. I am soooo reading you all the time now!