Writer's Workshop

It's that time again... Mama Kat over at Mama's Losin It offered the following prompts for the Writer's Workshop:

1.) Who really helped you get over something? Write about that person.(writingfix.com)

2.) Is plastic surgery an option? Without being vulgar, write about the body part still attached to you that you would most like to dis-attach and replace with a better one. (writingfix.com)

3.) Share an interesting email exchange you've had with someone lately.

4.) Have you thought about shutting down your blog? Why haven't you and what would cause you to make that decision final?

5.) Today I will...

I'm sure I could find something to jot down about all of them, but I'll go with #1 only because I've got a big to-do list today and I should get started on it.

Andy. He's the one that helped me get over something. My insecurities.

History: I was a girl just out of high school and he was a guy with 2 kids and recently separated from his evil first wife. He was 6 years older than me. I thought I hit a gold mine when I found him. He was a family man, a preacher's son, good morals and values, a good, steady job and seemed to adore me. Jackpot! Four years and one kid later, I found out he cheated. So long Knight in Shining Armour and in comes Jackass of a Lifetime. I was crushed. Apparently, this broad he cheated with also had a man... who found his way to MY front door to whip my man's ass. I didn't believe it at first. He surely had the wrong guy. Surely he was talking about my man's friend, the whoredog. Nope. He politely pointed to our family portrait on my living room wall and said, "That's the guy. That's the one who is sleeping with my girl." Complete and utter devastation.

Wowzers. Looking back, that was the night I lost all faith in relationships. Needless to say, my "man" was gone that night. I put him out and threw our family portrait shattering on the ground right in front of him. He cried. I cried. And I sent him on his way.

For the next five years we were off again and on again. I went to therapy. He made promises. I vowed to make it work. We even got married. Big ole church wedding and all that jazz. He went back to being the loving man and father that I once knew. But something changed inside me and I couldn't get back to the place I was before. I was jaded. Then finally, one day, it hit me like a ton of bricks. Just get out. So I did. But I was still jaded. I trusted this man with my heart and soul and he ripped me to shreds. He was sorry, I knew that. But that didn't change the fact that it happened.

During the next five years I had few relationships and dated a few guys. Nothing serious. They thought it was serious, but I never looked further than that moment. I never thought of a happy ending or forever after. I never wanted to put myself in a vulnerable position that would allow someone to hurt me again. That emotional rollercoaster was for the birds, and I wanted no part of it.

And just when I thought I had my emotional state under control.... along came Andy. A friend of mine told me about a dart team that was needing a female. I knew one of the three other guys on the team. My darts were going well and I thought I was ready to actually play on a team. I was introduced to Andy and the other guy and threw my darts. It was fun. Andy thought I was a bitch and I thought he was an asshole. But we had a wierd chemistry from jump. I like banter, and he dished it out like nobody's business. I gave it right back to him. From that first night I knew there was something about him. I had to get to know him. He had this energy that I fed off of.

Well, turns out this asshole had a sensitive side. The more time I spent with him, the more I wanted. I found myself stalking him. Complete voluntary stalking. I would show up where he was throwing darts on another league, with the girls of course, just so I could be near him. We would stay at the bar after everyone left and have "alone time". Lol, alone time in a bar.

Anyway, he had just gotten out of a decade long relationship and was forced into the single world again. He had three kids and was very particular in who he introduced them to. I was still in the mindset that men suck, really bad, and I wouldn't count on tomorrow with any given man. We started spending time together outside the bar... with all the kids together. Doing things like a family would. I fell in love with his kids and he treated my kid like she was his own. I let my guard down, without reservation. It was like all of a sudden I was in a trance. One day I'm a man-hating jaded biotch who couldn't care less about who I hurt, and the next day I let go of the self-preservation mode I'd been in for years and found myself in.love.with.Andy.

Without even trying, this beautiful man managed to single handedly give me the strength to believe in love again. To believe in the happily ever after. To realize that being hurt once doesn't mean that I was doomed to be alone or in meaningless relationships. Never once have I felt like this man was looking at another woman. Never once have I doubted where he was or who he was with... or if after one beer too many that trailer tramp trash three barstools down looked like she needed some company. Never have I felt like he wasn't sincere. Not one time have I wondered about his love. Not one time have I regretted giving in. And today, I see beyond tomorrow, next week, next year. I see a lifetime. A future. A home. A family. The greatest thing about it all... I don't remember the pain and bad memories I have from the past. It's like all of it has vanished and all I can see is the moment we met and the life we have together. It's as it that's when my life really began. When I look to the future, because I can do that now, without fear (YAY), I see us and the life we built together. I don't remember life before him and I can't picture my life without him.

Ok, enough sap. For more Writer's Workshop, go visit Mama's Losin It!

Selective Hearing of Monkey Boy

We are driving along Monday evening, all four kids, Andy and myself, rockin' the mini, on the way to Gma's for her birthday bash. The music is playing... probably some old rock song from my favorite CD I recently made for myself (Pat Benatar, Air Supply, you know the likes). The teen and tween in the very back tolerating the music and gazing out the window praying for a better song. The two younger ones in the middle seat, safely tucked into their carseats. Andy and I in the front engaged in convo about his job and new promotion. I occasionally look to Monkey Boy (3) and Baby Love (4) telling them to use inside voices and reminding them to keep their nasty little feet off the seats. They get their feet off the seats only to play the "I'm not touching you" game which is then ended with a pinch on the arm from the Monkey Boy. He's scolded, gets pissed, telling me "She peen me back, she peen me back" and then they go into another conversation. He's not the easiest to understand and sometimes we are WAY off base with what he's trying to tell us.

I gaze out my window just in time to see one car trying to get on the highway and another one speeding up to make sure the oncoming vehicle has to get behind him. "Stupid ass!" I quietly say to the moron driver as I glare at him through the window. How rude! I'm in a minivan loaded down with kids, in the very next lane... the lane he would have to turn into if that car didn't yield, and this asshole thinks the world will end if he doesn't fly up into the bumper of the car in front of him just so there is a car behind him. Like he's going to miss out on the checkered flag in a Nascar race if he ends up behind the oncoming traffic.

Andy continues rambling on about his promotion.

Monkey Boy: "Doop ash, doop ash, doop ash."

I look back at Monkey Boy, who is now looking me dead in the eyes, grins and continues chanting... "Doop ash, doop ash, doop ash."

Andy: What's he saying?

Me: (Wearing that quizocal grin and shrugging my shoulders, pretending like I don't know what the boy is saying)

Andy: (One eyebrow raised) He's saying stupid ass isn't he?

Me: (Still wearing that "stupid ass" grin)

How come when we say something meaningful like "I love you" or "Hold me" or "Good boy" he runs off to find the nearest mud puddle like we haven't uttered a word. But the moment I use a curse word or spout out something without thinking about the mini-people lurking behind me, he chooses to listen... and repeat... and repeat... and repeat what I've said.

I'm sure his bio-mom will be pleased to hear him chanting "doop ash" the next time they are sitting at a family dinner or out with a group of people. This I'm sure will be followed by Baby Love, the tattle teller, telling her bio-mom "He's saying stupid ass. Denise said stupid ass and then Monkey Boy said doop ash. That's what he's saying... stupid ass. Mom what's stupid ass mean?"

RTT: Tantrums & Big Mama Bras

Go check out The UnMom and Baby Boogers and play along. Mr. Linky is waiting...

It seems all my entries are random as of late. I just can't seem to wrap my head around one single thought long enough to write about it.

I've realized the backspace key is the most often used key on my keyboard.

I wish I could communicate better. I threw a tantrum last night, like a 2-year-old, and my poor Andy caught the brunt of it. We snuggled later, but I hate that I can't just say what I mean when I mean it, instead of waiting until I blow up about stupid things.

Andy's new promotion starts July 1. I'm so proud of him! He transferred to headquarters shortly after we got together and said there was more opportunity for advancement there, plus he could mingle with the big-wigs. I guess he was right. He really is a great employee, knows his stuff and isn't afraid to be right. I love that about him. He is the "go to" man of sorts around there and of course it swells his head, but he totally deserves it.

Someone remind me... make a neuro appt for the 15 y/o! Jeeze, you'd think one simple phone call during the day wouldn't be that hard to remember! I've got to get this appt scheduled so I'm not the mom calling in a month from now saying that my kid doesn't have enough medicine to last until her next appt. Seriously, they write the Rx for 6 months worth and I wait until the very last minute to make an appointment. It's not like she's just taking Motrin yanno lol.

Speaking of the neuro, we are coming up on the 3rd year anniversary of the 15-year-olds brain surgeries. I'm so proud of her. She really has come a long way. I have experienced nothing scarier in my life than sending my child off to a secret room to have part of her brain removed while I'm just directed out to some room with a bunch of other scared people to wait it out. I held it together until her dad and I had just said our "goodbyes" and were heading down that never ending, stark white hallway to the waiting room. I lost it. Nearly fell to the ground bawling like a baby. And then having to repeat that scene 2 more times within a matter of days. Wow! Talk about patience, prayer and the strength of a family.

Now that postop child is looking forward to a drivers license. Eek! Jeeze I'm old. I remember like it was yesterday when she was 4 and bringing me the brush and pretty pink bows saying, "Mama, fix my hurr." She only wanted to be the prettiest girl playing in the mud.

We were over at Andy's mom's yesterday for her birthday celebration with the rest of the enormous family. Seriously, her 5 kids were there, with their kids, and their kids' kids. All jam packed into the front room of Gma's house. Good times! I love that their family is close-knit. I didn't really have that with my family... hell, I'm the only sucka left in Oklahoma from my family. They all tricked my mom and I into moving out to Oklahoma from sunshiney California... and by the time I was out of high school, most all of them had relocated. Now I'm ridin' solo out there. But to tell the truth, there isn't any other place I'd rather be. I love my life here.

Goal for today is to get my homework done and get the floors done in the house. Surely I can manage that.

I get a package in the mail last week addressed TO my mama, who lives in Texas. Our names are similar, but two completely different zip codes in two different states. Odd. I'm confused, but then I remembered that my mama is back in the online shopping game and thought maybe she sent me something. She's been known to just send "blessings" every now and again out of the blue. It's from A Woman Within. I have no clue, so I tear open the package. Inside there's a bunch of magazines, an order form, and another package. I don't bother to look at the magazines because DUH, there's something else to rip open. ACK! Inside I find a big mama bra... 44D. The kind with four snaps in the back on a 3-inch wide strap. The Fort Knox kind of bra that holds big mama boulders, not boobies. What tha.....this CAN'T be for me! Apparently, our addresses somehow got crossed and it came here. Boo! I wanted a surprise. Instead I get this:

Ok, I'll shut up now. That's enough random thoughts for the moment. I'm sure though, in the midst of diligently doing my homework, I'll find some reason to get back on the computer and end up here again before the day it done.

Makin' Friends Monday

So this is my third post today and I'm not nearly finished. I know I said I was going to get to my homework, but I don't wanna. And you can't make me.

That Girl over at Sunshine and Rainbows (who I stalk already) posted from Kasey's All That is Good (who I will now stalk) a little thingy called Makin' Friends Monday. Go on over there and check it out, and link up with Mr. Linky to show your stuff!

Each Monday Kasey posts a task for everyone to do... simple, nonpersonal stuff... in hopes of folks meeting new folks, getting to know each other better, etc. Sounded cool. I wanna play!

This week her task is

5 Senses: List 4 likes and 1 dislike from each of the senses.

Smell
Likes:
1 - Fresh cut grass
2 - Rain
3 - Andy with all of his frou-frou stuff on
4 - Clean laundry fresh out of the dryer
5 - Diesel fuel
Dislike:
Rotten potatoes

Touch
Likes:
1 - Andy's bare skin next to mine
2 - Soft baby skin
3 - My bare feet on the sheets
4 - Sand in my toes
5 - My mama's hugs
Dislike:
Raw hamburger meat on my hands - the 15y/o mixes the meatloaf for me lol

Sound
Likes:
1 - Rain hitting the rooftop
2 - Motorcycles and muscle cars RAWR
3 - Music in the morning, helps me wake up and puts me in a good mood
4 - The kids playing together... nicely
5 - The sound the dart board makes when I hit a hat trick!
Dislike:
Fingernails on chalkboard

Taste
Likes:
1 - My mama's frito chili pie
2 - Anything on the Taco Bell menu... especially during a hangover
3 - Pepsi
4 - Avocados with pepper
5 - His lips on mine
Dislike:
Eggplant

Sight
Likes:
1 - Old folks walking hand-in-hand
2 - Babies sleeping
3 - Andy walking through the door after work
4 - A fully stocked and organized kitchen
5 - Any body of water that I can jump in
Dislike:
Buttcrack in public

There ya have it! Now go post yours so I can stalk you too!

Addendum: I apparently don't follow instructions very well. I posted 5 likes and I was only supposed to do 4. Ooopsie. (Insert dingbat blogtard emoticon here)

I learnt me some new things

While I'm supposed to be doing homework, I had this idea that sounded much more fun. I decided to look up things that I didn't know about. Just random things that caught my curiosity.

If you are new to bloggyland, you might be wondering this question too. What the heck is a meme? I pronounced it "me-me" because that's what it looked like. When in fact... it's a "meeeem". Hmph. I found an interesting read over at Chrisg dot com and he explained exactly what it is. I feel so much better now. Thank you Chris G. I'm still a blogtard, but I'm learning.

Another intesting thing I learned today... that stupid pig flu is in fact from pigs. So here's my warning: If you live with a bunch of PIGS, you are at risk. If you feel feverish, throw up a couple times and have the urge to squeal or "oink", immediately seek medical attention. You could be infected.

Speaking of Pigs, I was talking to my sister today and we were reminiscing about our childhoods. We laughed about the time we lived next door to Pancho and his million-people family out in the sticks where we would wake up Sunday mornings to an actual pig squealing... look out the window and see Mrs. Pancho out in the front yard slaughtering a pig and getting something ready in their gigantic, black, witches brew cauldron for what we could only imagine was going to be their supper. Meanwhile Pancho is feeding their shetland pony who is tied up to a tree in the front yard as well; the pony my dad won for me in a bet but then gave it back. We moved a little further down memory lane and talked about how we remember mom living in Reno. Sissy's only memory there was when she snuck out one night, while mom was dealing cards at a local casino, slipped into another casino, stole a name badge and smacked it on her shirt, found a used plastic cup of booze that was laying by the wayside and promptly went up to the next waitress, handed her the dirty cup and told her she would like another one. She was 15 at the time. My only memory in Reno was when I was kidnapped by my dad and grandpa who found me there, in the middle of the night, with my mom's "half-naked boyfriend" (he had his t-shirt off and was lying on the couch) and my mom was at work. I was 8. I'm sure I was asleep. The odd thing is... I don't remember my sister being there ever, and she doesn't remember seeing me there. This is only a couple of the many, many memories my sister and I shared. So as we walked down this road, reliving our childhoods, we couldn't help but wonder how we came out alive... and sane.

Did you know that babies are born without knee caps? They don't appear until they are between 2 and 4.

The nursery rhyme "Ring Around the Rosey" is a rhyme about the Black Plague. Infected people with the plague would get red circular sores ("Ring around the Rosey"), these sores would smell very badly so common folks would put flowers on their bodies (inconspicuously), so that it would cover the smell of the sores ("a pocket full of posies"). Furthermore, people who died from the plague would be burned so as to reduce the possible spread of the disease ("ashes, ashes, we all fall down"). Gross!

I was playing around on Google Earth (the free version) and the apartment that we moved out of 5 months ago still has my car parked in front of it. For those of you who thought it was in real-time... it's not. So don't go trying to spy on people. You'll only find out what they were doing up to 5 years ago LOL. Makes me wonder about that broad who claimed she found out her ex was cheating on her when she saw his truck via Google Earth at another broad's house. How long was that affair really going on huh?

That's all I learnt today. I think I learnt me up some pretty good stuff. My brain hurts. I'm going to look at pretty pictures in my art book now and pretend to write my paper. Happy Monday!

Monday Mania

OK what the flip man? Why when I wake up on a dreary Monday morning, after NOT sleeping well at all even though it stormed and that's usually when I have my best sleep, do I hear about a pig flu epidemic? No confirmed cases in Oklahoma yet, although half of our surrounding states have them, and I'm just a wee bit worried since I've been down with this horrible coughing snotty hacking sneezing bronchial infection for OVER A WEEK NOW! Even my normal savior Mucinex coupled with Sudafed isn't doing the trick. I think I'm over the worst of it, but every morning I still wake up to a cough attack and that elephant on my chest feeling. Ugh!

On to more pleasant things, like my weekend recap:

Friday Andy and I went to a dart tournament. The pot was $500 and we were ready to play! I got a pretty good partner, and Andy was partnered with our best friends new wife. She's okay, but neither of us really had a chance to take home the money that night. Cody, another dart player, is following me around the dang bar for over an hour before he finally stopped me and said, "You have a daycare right?" Well, I told him I keep a couple kids out of my house, but they are family. He goes into his whole story AGAIN about his girl and their new baby and needing a day care and willingness to drive the boy to me and he's a newborn and he doesn't trust anyone and I'm not with the State am I and how big is my house and blahblahblahblahblah! Cody! Shut the hell up man! I'm trying to throw back tequila shots with beer chasers and you are screwing with my buzz man! And dang Donna brought her camera so there are umpteen pictures of Andy and I, along with the other drunkards in the bar, highlighting just how unpretty we can look when intoxicated. And then I see that Donna has them all posted up on her MySpace. Great. Just great!

Saturday morning Andy headed off to go fishing with the nephews at like 5 in the morning. Pffft, I didn't even know he was gone until I woke up at 8:30. I texted him to tell him to have a great day and rolled back over because Taco Bell doesn't open until 10. NOTHING is better than Taco Bell for a hangover. NOTHING.

Except Subway. The 15y/o and I decided we each needed a footlong. Pigs. I saved half of my sammich for later, but that kid of mine ate the whole thing in like 4 minutes flat. Seriously, I don't think she said a word until she had snarfed the entire sammich down! And then proceeded to tell me how much smaller her sammich was then mine because she doesn't put tomatoes on hers. Um... ok horker.

Saturday was a completely lazy day. I was supposed to work, but since the words on the screen didn't make much sense to me, I decided just to lay up and watch the boob tube with the teen all day long. We did manage to get to the grocery store though. I knew Andy hadn't eaten anything all day long so I wanted him to come home to a hot plate. Aww such a good girlfriend I know. I should get an award or something. I went in the grocery store for hamburger meat to make a meatloaf.. and ended up spending $45 on junk. And hamburger meat. Andy came home about 9 and dinner still wasn't ready lol. He was muddy, exhausted, starving... and supper wasn't ready! There goes my award.

Sunday we slept in and cuddled. It's been a long time since we just layed there and snuggled in bed. Sometimes we slip into this routine, that dull routine with our backs to each other at night, and we don't move until that stupid Mariachi (sp?) band alarm starts yapping on full blast volume. We can't be the only couple that does this... but we've only been together a little over a year and it's already happening. He's hot natured and I'm always frozen, so if I try to get close while he's asleep, when he gets hot he'll toss and turn until I get away from him lol. Then when he tries to get close to me, after his body heat warms me up, I find myself sticking my left foot out of the sheet, then my right foot, and before I know it I'm yanking away from him because I'm too hot. Fat folks trying to snuggle can get complicated.

I worked yesterday afternoon and up until about 9 pm. Of course there were like 239087234 breaks that I took, but I managed to get my work done so we could watch a movie together. Joyride 2. Don't waste your time if you haven't already. I will never get that hour and a half back. The first one was way better. Andy and I just sat there finding all the flaws in the script and filming. And if they are obvious enough for ME to find, something is really wrong with the film.

So we head to bed, snuggle for a few minutes and then we being the toss and turn game again. I dreamt I was a lesbian. Odd. We should definitely snuggle more.

Then I wake up this morning to the pig flu epidemic. And I remember all the homework I've been putting off since class last Wednesday. Good thing I have the next two days off.

That about sums up my weekend. I suppose I should go clean or do homework or something.

High Five Friday

TGIFreakinF! This has been a long and trying week for me. I didn't even participate in Mama Kat's Writers Workshop, but I did read a lot of them. I've been sick and my precious Andy kept the house flowing after he got off work each day so I could poop out and head to bed early. He takes such good care of me.

To here's my ^5 to Friday and the 5 random things going on in my head today!

• American Idol - of course I'm happy Lil is gone, not so happy about Anoop though. He wasn't going to win, but I loved his voice. I'm quite pissed off at America for putting Allison in the bottom 3 though. She SO didn't deserve to be there!
• Our 15y/o had managed to bring ALL her grades up to As and Bs. I am SO proud of her. Her last report card sucked big ones and after a long 3 hours at parent teacher conferences, Andy and I devised a plan, along with the help of the asst principal who I love and adore, to get this child's grades back on track. Her trip to California this summer depended on it.. and that in itself was enough motivation for this kid. She's a complete slacker, and it's all my fault. Now I'm freaking out because I've got a little over a month to get a flight booked for her lol. Crap. Secretly I was hoping to save that $300. Horrible I know. But now my greatest fear in the world is coming true... I'm going to shove her on a plane ALONE, being the first time she's flown EVER, and hope for the best. She's dingy. I'm scared to death she's going to call me from Alaska and tell me she got on the wrong plane.
• Tonight we get to throw darts at a tourney with our best friend and his wife. I'm excited, but I'm worried about how I'm going to breathe in a smoke filled bar. Ugh. I'm finally feeling like getting out of the house and where do I want to go? To the emphysematous hell hole where I can sneak an inhaler in the bathroom. Smart. I'm a real smart cookie I tell ya!
• Running through my head at this very moment are all the things I've got to get accomplished before my neat freak sister and her perfectionist Dick show up in May. I wish I had a friend who would come help me. So I'm making the lists: things to get done, things to buy to make our house pretty, and places I can shove stuff so my sissy won't see them.
• And the 5th and final thought for today: I'm giving myself a ^5 for being disciplined and actually working. It's hard working at home, especially when you have 2 little ones constantly needing attention. I have to wear headphones so I can actually hear what the doctor's are saying and it's hard to hear the kids scream with them on. It's definitely a challenge, and sometimes I have to work at night, neglecting my own family, to get work done. But in the longrun I know that an additional paycheck makes a big difference in the plans we have, so I keep trekking along. This is the first "real" pay period I've been back to work and I'm right on schedule with my production. Go me!

That's all I got folks! We are almost kid-free this weekend (the teen decided to stay here instead of going to her bio dad's), and it's my scheduled weekend to work so I probably won't be around much. Hopefully next week I'll be feeling back to my normal self and can add some humor to this drab blog.

I hope you all have a fantastic weekend and are able to enjoy the beautiful weather!

Wednesday Revelation: Coupons

**This is something I wrote about 2 years ago, pre-Andy days, back when I had a rommie and we were penny-pinching in my apartment. Everytime I think about clipping coupons, like now especially in a recession, I remember this fiasco and opt out on coupon-clipping**

Today's Revelation:

Coupons are a manufacturers way to get you to purchase the items they know you never would otherwise!

So I'm on a budget these days, being unemployed and all, trying to be frugal and aware of where my money goes. My mailbox is constantly filled with coupons, not to mention the plethora of coupons found in the Sunday paper. So my roomie and I clipped them, carefully choosing what we would and wouldn't like to get at the next visit to Crest, our local super cheap brand name grocery store.

I arrange them neatly in an envelope, on the back of which contains our well thought out grocery list. I'm pumped. I'm ready to save some money. I'm grabbing the bull by the horns and keeping money in the bank.

PFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!

It's a HOAX I tell ya, a complete and utter HOAX!



We get to the grocery store, event planned in our heads of how this should go, and I end up turning into a super charged Coupon Bandit! I'm going down the aisles examining over and over again which coupons we clipped, putting things in the basket just because I have a coupon clipped just for that item! Things I'd never eat! Things I've never heard of! My roomie looks at me, after calming her recent belly laugh as I comb the aisles, and tells me, "We aren't going to use EVERY COUPON YOU HAVE TODAY!"

Well why the hell not? We clipped them, we brought them, we should use them!

Get a grip, I told myself, get hold of yourself woman! We make it all the way to the bread aisle before she sees a coupon attached to a rather pricy loaf of bread. It said if we buy this loaf we will get $1.00 off a gallon of milk and $0.55 off a carton of eggs. JACKPOT! Her eyes light up like a kid getting their first red Schwinn bicycle!

Next aisle - shredded cheese and canned biscuits. Ut oh! I distinctly remember clipping at least 5 coupons for Grands Biscuits! Ok, so we couldn't justify the $0.35 coupon for a $4.00 pack of sweet rolls, no matter how yummy they looked. Especially since the other brand was only $1.29 at regular price. We do okay in this section. One more to go.

FROZEN FOODS

At this point we looked and were actually using 5 coupons for a savings of about $3.00. Not too shabby. This section of the grocery store never really appealed to me like it did today. I'm not a frozen meal kinda girl. I love to cook, and these foods required a microwave and paper plate and voila', supper was ready. But today, today this area had so very many things to offer. Did you realize you could purchase a baked potato? I mean a potato already baked with all the toppings? And for goodness sake, there were at least 6 flavors of hot wings! Coupons! Where are my blasted coupons!

I'm searching and searching. Low and behold I have at least 10 great coupons for $1.00 off some Tyson bag-o-chicken thing, $1.00 off the Totino's pizza rolls, $0.75 off something called Anytizers, $0.55 off here and $0.45 off there. Holy toledo batman! My roomie tried her best to calm me down. I looked like some freak, up and down those two aisles, going through the coupons one by one, searching for the best deals. My roomie would find something that caught her attention for a few seconds and I would scurry down the aisle, trying to lose her, sneaking the next item I had a coupon for in my buggy.

It was horrible. I was exhausted. Two hours later and we are finally finished. We get up to the cashier, beaming, like we had just caught a fish and even baited the hook ourselves.

BLAM! Reality hits...

Cashier says "Your total is $132.32 with a total coupon savings of $7.45 ladies!"

Ex-ca-use me? So I spent an additional fifty damn dollars to save SEVEN?!?!?!?!



I swore off using coupons that very moment. We didn't even look at our flippin grocery list not one single time!

What's worse... I'm sitting here writing this and thinking about all the things I need to pick up from Wally world tomorrow. Dish soap (I have a coupon for that), papertowels (I just happen to have a coupon for Viva $0.50 off two rolls), Zip-lock bags (oh lord, I have a $1.00 coupon for two of those too)...


and the saga continues...



*Update: Just went into the kitchen to get some iced tea and saw 6 boxes of cereal I just purchased earlier. SIX! There are three of us in this apt. I don't do cereal and my kid eats breakfast at school. I had coupons! Stupid coupons for cereal!

American Idol, Gary Unmarried and Army Wives

Ok so American Idol was on tonight and I'm not happy.

Adam, of course, has major talent and I want him to screw up so bad it's unbelievable. It's not that I don't like him... it's just that I'm secretly in love with Danny Gokey and the only way he will win is if Adam chokes on a Lemonhead.

Lil - I think it's time to throw in the towel. Just another copycat performance and I hope I speak for the Nation when I say WE ARE TIRED OF YOU! However, she would be a hit on a cruise ship somewhere.

Allison rocks! I love that girl! Can't wait to hear her first album.

Matt Giraud - I think he saved himself, at least little bit, tonight. I was afraid the judges were going to use their "save" on him and the following week he was going to be eliminated. I don't think that's the case... at least this week.

Kris - my monkey impressionist singing little friend, I think you are fab! But I don't think you will win... sorry.

Anoop - I'm afraid it's probably the end of the road for you too. Your sweet ballad voice isn't going to carry you through to the end.

Danny - my love. I noticed took my advise from last week and stopped trying to hard to pull on America's heartstrings. You also didn't wear your wedding ring tonight, maybe because it wasn't a love song, and I think you did fantastic! His voice gives me goosebumps!

So that's my take on tonight's contestants. Tomorrow, two will be eliminated and in my opinion, Lil and Anoop need to hit the road.

On my 8 Things I Watch there were a few folks that hadn't even heard of Gary Unmarried, or Army Wives for that matter. Well my friends, if you like comedy, you are missing out! At least on Gary Unmarried. This dude is hilarious! It's just a silly little sitcom but we DVR it religiously.

You can check out some of the videos and read more about Gary Unmarried here. Basically, he's newly divorced with two kids. He's a complete jock-type man and owns a painting company. His ex-wife and he were seeing a therapist, who later became his ex-wife's new man (but now they are broken up after shacking up together). There's a huge age difference in the ex-wife and the therapist, so Gary takes every shot he can at dear old Crandle. The ex-wife is also a control freak SAHM who still tries to wedge her way into Gary's life. They are hilarious! If you like Two and A Half Men, you'll really like Gary Unmarried.

The other one folks didn't really know is Army Wives. Like I said, I'm not sure why I dig this show. No one I know is even in the Army. I think I got hooked during one of my stay-under-the-covers-and-melt-away-Lifetime-moments. Yes, I'm a Lifetime nut. I love sappy movies. And I love LMN (Lifetime Movie Network) just as much. Girl Power!!!

This one is about... you guessed it... Army Wives. There are 5 main characters. Four wives and one Army husband, who just happens to be a therapist. Cuz they definitely need therapy. All the characters are completely different in personalities and are there for each other with each Army husband deployment. It's a really interesting family issues kind of show. I'm a sap lol. This one comes on Lifetime on Sunday evenings. It's getting really good right now as season 2 comes to a close and season 3 will be starting June 7th. I religiously DVR this one and watch it alone, during naptime on Monday. You can read more about it here and I think you can even watch whole episodes online.

Yanno, I should really be getting paid for giving these shows virtual ^5's.

8 Things...

Tagged by Lana at The Kids Did WHAT?! Check her blog out folks! I just love her stick people lol.

8 Things I'm Looking Forward To:

--> Payday!
--> Finishing my first semester back in school!
--> Seeing what next semester holds for me. I'll be glad when these stupid classes are over with and I can get into my program requirements.
--> My sissy coming to visit in May! I miss her so much!
--> The Chicken Coup the first weekend in June. It's a steel tip dart tournament at a campground. Super fun! Nothing but a bunch of kidless drunk folks trying to find their campsites, river rafting and darts. Last year was our first year and we had a blast!
--> Our trip to Florida in July to stay a week with my sissy at her summer house, lounging around in the sun, playing on the jet skis, going out in the bay on the boat, eating absolutely nothing healthy and having the time of our lives! That week alone saves me about $10K a year in therapy.
--> Sending Baby Love to school in the fall. She's so excited to be one of the big kids!
--> Spending the summer with ALL the kids! I'll have our 4 plus the 2 I keep during the day. Although I'm terrified that I'm going to pull out my hair during the first week, I think we are going to have a great time! AND I finally have a vehicle bigger enough for all of us to do field trips! Bring it on SUMMER!

8 Things I Did Yesterday:

--> Finished up my Holocaust class and did two oral presentations without coming up with some God forsaken disease allowing me to bow out gracefully and take the big fat ZERO for my assignments.
--> Put the corn in the raised beds. They look so pretty out there. Can't wait to get the rest of my seedlings in there and reclaim my diningroom for EATING!
--> Talked my sissy down from the ledge regarding her classes. She's getting the end of semester blues and everything is out of control for her.
--> Watched Schindler's List with the oldest kid last night. She's studying the Holocaust in school too, so it was a neat movie to watch together.
--> Let Andy watch the babies all day yesterday without stepping in to tell him everything he was doing wrong, and not that he does things wrong, he just doesn't do them MY way. The only time he called assistance was for the poopy diapers. I'm so proud of him!
--> Called my mama a day late for her birthday. What a loser. Being that I'm the favorite daughter of course.
--> Went to the Admissions office at school to get a parking sticker for the Minivan without the tag number. How stupid is that?
--> Read the syllabus for my stupid Art class and decided there shouldn't be that much reading involved in an Art class... so I'm boycotting the book.

8 Things I Wish I Could Do:

--> Be invisible whenever I wanted. That would be a cool super power to have doncha think?
--> Fly a plane. I've always thought that would be neat, except for the landing part. I'm sure I'd suck at that.
--> Be like Super Woman and change my clothes in a telephone booth. I think it would be cool to just change outfits with a couple of twirls and every hair would be in place, jewelry would be on, legs and pits would be shaved, and I'd smell like I just got out of a 2 hour Calgon-take-me-away session!
--> Draw. I suck at drawing but I think it would be super neat to put up something I created on the walls of our home.
--> Get paid for not working.
--> Think of cool pranks to play on Andy. He likes to scare the bajeezus out of me and I want to get him back so bad!
--> Wave a magic wand and see what my life looks like 5 years from now. That way, if it doesn't look the way I want it to, I can pull some strings now and fix it.
--> Wave that magic wand again so I would have a totally gorgeous body in a bathing suit this summer. No one wants to see dimple-ass whitey stampeding in their direction chasing after kids.

8 Shows I Watch:

--> Grey's Anatomy - do I really even NEED a reason to watch this one?
--> Gary Unmarried - the funniest sitcom EVER!
--> Army Wives - I'm not sure why, but I like this show.
--> American Idol - cuz I think I can sing
--> Private Practice - really, it's a good show, even with Taye Diggs on it.
--> Dirty Jobs - this guy cracks me up!
--> The First 48 - pretty neat stuff on this show. I like cops and robbers shows lol.
--> Law & Order: Criminal Intent - only the ones with Vincent D'Onofrio. I lust him.

8 People I Tag:
I'm not sure I even know 8 people to tag... but here goes.

--> Ruggy13 at Adorably Distracted
--> Sherri at Matter of Fact
--> Cara at Momma Says
--> Tiaras and Tantrums
--> Grand Pooba at ..Pooba..
--> Bon Don at Who Throws a Cupcake? Honestly.
--> That Girl at Sunshine and Rainbows
--> Georgie at Decisionally Challenged

Tag... you're it! No tag backs... and I promise not to stalk your beautiful bloggy pages to make sure you have posted your 8... I mean I will continue to stalk you, but I won't gripe if you don't play lol.

Random Tuesday

Here we are again, another Tuesday... join in at The UnMom for more Random Tuesday Thoughts!

I didn't post yesterday because I was knee deep in snot and homework.

I'm all hyped up on Mucinex, Sudafed and Pepsi. No coffee squirts this morning, but geeze, how much snot do I have to cough up before my lungs no longer feel like bowling balls???

One of my favorite bloggy friends, Lana, at The Kids Did WHAT?! tagged me for "8 Things" and broke my tag cherry. I couldn't be more proud. Go check out her blog, she's hilarious! (I promise Lana, I'll post on that one later today)

I found my new May edition of Better Homes and Gardens in the bathroom this weekend. When I asked WHY I hadn't even seen the magazine yet, my lovely Andy admitted he was reading it. Go Martha!

The supper menu for this weekend went exacty as planned! Too excited about that. I don't have pictures of anything except Friday night...

They turned out really well, tasted super yum and the kids all helped. We made a ton of them!

The Holocaust class is over and WHEW! I made it! I had to do TWO oral presentations last night in class and I just knew something bad was going to happen, especially considering my fear of speaking in front of people. Luckily though, I didn't fall down, trip over a hair in the carpet on the way to the podium, or pass out from anxiety. I think I made an A in that class YIPPEE!

Andy stayed home from work yesterday b/c I've been battling this stupid URI and had the babies to take care of during the day, along with my homework that I've been putting off for a week. I love him so much! He played hookie for me!

We also finished marking off the garden beds yesterday and I got some of my stuff transplanted. Looks like a real garden now!

Our friend Chris and his wife Blair were over for Sunday dinner. It was really good spending time with them, and they didn't even make THAT much fun of me for making my own salsa... and canning it lol. In fact, I sent a jar home with them. It made me feel super good that Chris and Andy were joking about sending Blair over to me for a week so I could train her lol. Apparently, she isn't really domesticated. In fact, we sent Chris home with a huge container of leftovers from the enchiladas and bbq beef biscuit basket things so he would have something for lunch at work the following week. He has been working out of town lately and only comes home about once a week and the weekends. I don't think he was too excited about another week of Hungry Man dinners.

I've said it before and I'll say it again.... it feels SO good not being shacked up with a married man! Thank God that divorce is finally OVERRRRR!

Sims 3 comes out in June! My girl Julie (who is just as addicted as I am, maybe even moreso) and I have decided to go halvsies on it and share. This one is supposed to have way more cool stuff to build the houses with and many more attitudes on the Sims characters.

Wednesday night I have class again. What the hell man! Who goes to school TWO nights a week? Pffft! This starts the 5-week session for Intro to Fine Arts. Can I just say that I'm not looking forward to studying statues of naked dudes posing all fancy with their dongs hanging out. Really... what am I supposed to get from this class?

The 15 y/o was a total butthead this morning and even told Andy on her way to school that he needed to "put mama in check". Ex-ca-use me! Just wait til that little brat comes home from school and I chase her down the street with a wooden spoon. Who's gonna be put in check then!?!?! Huh! Huh!

I was really looking forward to my sissy coming to visit at the end of May, until today, when I realized my house is a pit, I haven't finished unpacking from when we moved into this house in January, my garage is a mess, the livingroom isn't decorated yet, and I'll have to get EVERYTHING done before she shows up. Normally, I would just leave it alone and she would Feng-Shui my whole house for me, cuz she's a control freak and I'm just lazy, but she'll be accompanied by her Dick and we won't have the time. Bleh!

Ok, I'm over it. I've got to get some work done and apparently, the screaming kids in the other room need some attention.

GOVERNMENT WARNING!

I just thought you all should know. Happy Saturday!

Here's What's for Supper Ya'll!!!

So I'm not a planner. I love to make plans and lists, but life gets in the way and things get altered and I get pissy and it's never a good thing. Rarely do things happen the way they are planned.

But... I've been reading all these blogs where these perfectly organized mommies plan everything, down to every meal for.... get this....

A WEEK AT A TIME!

Can you imagine? A 7-day plan of meals. I give you all well-prepared mommies a big ole virtual high five because stuff just don't go down like that around here. In light of that (and because of my competitive nature), I'm going out on a limb here and I've planned the weekend meals. Baby steps. If this goes right, I might, just might, consider doing an actual 7-day meal plan. Probably not though because plans change on a dime here and I never know what's really going on until I'm in the middle of it.

So here's the meal plan:

Tonight's meal will be BBQ Beef Filled Baskets, Andy's (Martha Stewart is what we fondly like to call him) famous fresh green beans sauteed in fresh garlic and onion, and some ranch mashed taters. Super YUM!

I didn't come up with this one myself. I snagged this one on another blog *gasp* and I regretfully can't remember whose or I'd give her some "props". She got it from Kraft and you can find the recipe here. Looks like something the kids and I can all get together and do, so I'm really excited about it. She did say there are some amazing recipes on there. When I stop stalking the blogs so much, perhaps I'll take a gander.

Saturday evening I will be serving chicken enchiladas, Martha's Andy's famous Spanish rice, refried beans n cheese... and some chips n salsa. My whole idea behind this one simple. My mama sent me a recipe for salsa and I want to try it out. So I planned an entire meal around it... as an excuse lol.

Sunday evening we will be entertaining so we are going to fire up the grill. We decided on pork chops (mostly because we bought an industrial sized pack of chops from the grocery store last night for only $0.98/lb. The package was $16 something. That's right folks... 16+ pounds of chops). For sides I'm making a broccoli cheese casserole, corn on the cob and some spicy cornbread with Ro-tel... mmmm! For horses doovers (hor d'oeuvres) I will be preparing cream cheese stuffed jalapenos wrapped in bacon and grilled. Now THOSE are super, super YUM. I'm only doing those because my perfectly delicious friend Cilla bought me a real live jalapenos pepper corer gadget that she found at Affair of the Heart (an annual craft show/fair) and she thought it was screaming my name. I told you, I love gadgets! And she obviously loves me! Or she just felt sorry for me the last time she was here and I made those and got pepper juice in my eye.

So that's the plan folks. I won't be around this weekend (except maybe to write that one blog about Nisha's dang volcano report that I've been chomping at the bit to vent about). This is our weekend with the kiddos (yanno, the divorce, joint custody thing) and we don't get all four of them under one roof very often. Not to mention I've got an oral presentation on genocide to prepare, Maus to finish reading and write a 5-7 page paper and an oral presentation on that one too, two 1-page movie reviews and two 1-page conversation starters to get done. Monday is the last day of my Holocaust class *wiping sweat from brow* and I've learned SO much, but it's time to move on to the next class... and NOT be some bombarded with homework.

Have a fantastic weekend blogger peeps!

Junk Mail - I'm just plain confused!

For a while now I've just clicked on "delete all" that was in my junk mail without paying any mind to the content. I've had this email address for many, many years and I'm sure I've signed up to and subsequently unsubscribed to a billion websites.

Here are a few that I actually looked at today...

I have been given the opportunity to buy an all-natural remedy, 100% money-back guarantee to enlarge my penis. Limited time offer! Is that like Miracle Gro for the "hot-rod"? And seriously... how do they determine it didn't work so that I can get my money back? I'm certainly not sending them before and after shots. In any event, being that I'm all woman, I didn't see how this would benefit me in the least. Delete. Undelete. Forward to my brother. Delete again.

1 800 Pet Meds somehow refuses to believe that we don't have any pets and continually makes me an offer to save $20 on brand name ped meds. Now, if they are referring to my children, ketamine might be an option. Delete.

Team Beachbody (ya, uh huh, when I take off all my clothes and underneath this layer of flubber I've got the body of a model I tell ya, a hot hottie MODEL) keeps sending me emails about the parasites in my water. They really, really want me to take a "Parasite IQ" test. Thanks, but I think we'll just continue drinking our cootie infested city water and be none-the-wiser. Delete and unsubscribe for the billionth time.

The F Word, aka Fubar, keeps sending me this one: Crazy Talk Spawns Midget Ninjas. I have no idea what the hell that's all about, but I'm afraid. Very afraid. Delete.

I can't even tell you the number of emails telling me to become a medical transcriptionist (which I have been for 15 years) using their online courses... or how to become an ultrasound tech ONLINE or how to become a private investigator ONLINE or how to become President of the United States ONLINE (ok that one was a stretch, but the rest of them are true). Delete, delete, delete, delete and delete.

Now I don't mind getting email, or junk mail. In fact, in between medical reports that I type I'm constantly (you better admit this too!) clicking back over to check my In Box for comments on my latest blogging adventure. My only request... and it's not a big one really... is that they would send me things I could actually use. I am, afterall, the queen of infomercials and unneccesary gadgets that will somehow enhance my life to the Nth degree.

Perhaps if I got junk mail on painless nosehair clippers or a natural remedy with a 100% money-back guarantee to keep the grey hairs from popping up all over my head, I might be more inclined to purchase.

I might consider purchasing something that shocks the little children's hands when they open the fridge or a mysterious voicebox that goes off when the last square of toilet paper is used that says something like "You better change the roll or the toilet will self combust in 10 seconds!". It would be great if I could get that in a Darth Vader voice. And then maybe another one of those that detects when a pissy hand grabs the doorknob to the bathroom door because the kids haven't washed their hands after using said toilet that says, "I've got eyes in the back of my head! Wash your nasty hands! And USE SOAP this time!" I'd like that one in my don't-talk-to-me-before-I've-opened-my-eyes morning growl voice please.

Ok I'm over it. Back to stalking my In Box work. Love you Andy! (Insert big fancy heart emoticon here)

High Five Friday: Five Random Thoughts

Here's my morning routine. I get everyone shoo'd out of the house to work and school. Then I duck down in the office to read some blogs and log in to work. The babies show up and I turn on Dora, praying they will fall back to sleep, duck back down into the office to ignore work and read more blogs. Babies scream and need attention, so I stop my ever-so-important blog reading to tend to the needy little creatures. And finally, when they are situated again, I duck back down in the office to again ignore work and post my daily after I've read more than enough.

So here's my Friday High Five (if I was really cool I'd get one of those fancy schmancy button thingies to post here, but I digress, because I'm a blog-tard).

The divorce is done! Yippee! I'm no longer shacked up with a married man. He keeps saying he's "a single man", but we'll see what tune he sings next time he wants to Woo-Hoo (I'm a pathetic Sims addict, I know). Pffft! He went to the courthouse yesterday, met up with lovely ex-wife, signed the papers, went before the judge and VIOLA it was over. Amazingly simple. I've heard so many horror stories about divorces, but when adults act like adults, it's amazing what can be accomplished.

Why is it that when I take a pen out of the handy dandy pen cup on my desk and it doesn't work, I just shove it right back in the cup. Is it secretly going to produce some ink by the next time I reach for it?

Let me introduce you to Mike. He works with Andy. At one time he was seeing two ladies and asked my precious Andy for advise. Ha! He can barely handle me, let alone TWO! So Mike always praises Andy and I for our relationship and thinks Andy is the luckiest man in the world to have a hot plate and coffee sent with him to work every day. I, being the nice *cough* thoughtful *cough* lady that I am, sometimes send extra food with Andy so he can share. Nothing beats homecooked meals, and Mike appreciated it. Well... this all came to a screeching halt as of yesterday. Stupid Mike and his stupid man-power decided it would be funny to invite all of the single ladies in the office over to Andy to try and grope him prior to his leaving for the attorney's office for the divorce. He lured them with saying something about how Andy will be a bachelor when he gets back, so they better get their claws in now... and by the way Andy, tell Denise I'm just kidding. Pfffffffft! I told Andy to mention to Mike that I know how to use Ex-Lax and he should be cautious eating anything I send for lunch. Jackass!

Speaking of Ex-Lax... is coffee a natural poop-enhancer or what? How come after I drink just one cup in the morning, I'm running to the bathroom? Gross huh? Feel my pain. I LOVE the smell of coffee, and I'll take a frap any day of the week, but for some reason hot coffee gives me the squirts. We're just that close. Figured I could share. Your welcome.

And finally, I'm all too excited that Andy has found a little old lady at work who used to can veggies and the likes and has TWO pressure canners. I told him to make out with her and get me one of those canners. I'd even send over some of my applesauce that I canned last week to help seal the deal.

I hope you all enjoy your Friday!

The Ex-Wife: The Saga Continues

History: I wasn't Andy's first.*Gasp* He wasn't my first.*Double gasp*

He married a lovely woman and has three kids with said lovely woman. I married a jackass lovely man and created one spawn by said lovely man.

They are in the process of a joint-custody divorce (which will be filed today YAY) and we've been living in sin for almost a year. Don't judge me dammit. He was already long gone from their relationship when I found him and stalked him and made him mine... with the help of several shots of Patron and a few make-out sessions in the truck after leaving the dart bar. I know, what a slut!

Anyhoo - down to the story. They have a very amicable relationship, of which I am completely jealous because my ex and I aren't on the greatest of terms. All in all, they have the best interest of the kids at heart and I think it's admirable that they don't mix their current lives and plans with the pain of divorce. Although, neither of them seem to be in much pain about this whole ordeal. Odd.

I've never really had an issue with this lovely woman. Ever. She's been kind to me and even her family seems to like me. I might even like her if she weren't the ex-wife lol. I, being a sceptical woman, think there is something behind the scenes going on. Women tend to judge other women, whether we admit it or not. Size each other up type of thing. I can't help but think they are only being soooo nice to get the scoop in our household and see what they can gossip about. I don't give them any fuel... whatever their intentions may be. And it could be they have no intentions are just nice people.

Then... Easter weekend happened and I got my very first dose of ex-wife BS. C'mon, it's been over a year that Andy and I have been together, so in her defense... it's about time she screwed up.

We were going over to Andy's moms house on Saturday b/c rain was in the forecast for Sunday. His mom has a school across the street from her house so it was a great place to hide eggs for the billion and one kids, grandkids, nieces, nephews, great nieces, great nephews and all the in-laws... ok you get the pic. Big Family!

Lovely ex-wife called at about 10:30 that morning wondering what time we were going to pick up the kids. He tells her between 2 and 2:30 as the Easter celebration started promptly at 3. She's notified. Agrees. All seems well.

We leave the house, Nisha, Andy and I, all rockin' the mini and ready to mingle with the fam. It's 2:15. We call said lovely ex-wife to let her know we are on the way. Common courtesy. Really, it's more of a "have the kids ready" type call so we aren't sitting there at her house (again) waiting for the kids to get shoes on, hair done, etc.

Said lovely ex-wife says they aren't at home. In fact, they are at a damn birthday party for a neighbor/friend of the oldest child, DD. Ex-ca-use me?!?! (Insert grumpy face emoticon here)

Ok, don't panic. He tells her firmly to have the kids at his mom's at 3. All is well again.

We arrive at his mom's chillin with the folks, having a good time with kids chomping at the bit to hunt Easter eggs. Three o'clock rolls around and we are still short THREE KIDS! Where in the hell are my kids?!?! (I know they aren't MY kids but they are MY kids, ya feel me?)

He calls. They are still at that damn party. Ok... now here's where I get pissed. Really pissed. That's rude. That's completely rude and unacceptable. We arranged to have the kids, gave her plenty of notice and even let her have Easter Sunday all to herself with the kids. That's TOTAL BS!

Andy calls her to rip her a new one and I don't even remember their conversation (believe me I tried to eavesdrop) because I was so damn mad. We have 20 kids all standing at the front door, whose parents brought them there ON TIME, for this flippin Easter egg hunt and WE are the hold up.... WE don't have our kids. Grrrr!

She shows up at about 3:15 all apologetic and shit. Whatever lovely ex-wife. What-the-eff-ever! He gets the kids, tells her all about how uncool that was and we proceeded with our day.

Good enough. I'm over it. We have the kids and the celebration begins.

Thennnnnnn, adding insult to injury, when it's time to take the kids home.... LOVELY EX-WIFE isn't in a place where she can receive the kids (because somehow it was our duty to return them to her place) and she tells us to drop them off at her sister's house. Uhhh...say what? I have met said sister and I don't agree with her lifestyle, especially when my kids are involved. Specifically, I remember picking up my beautiful babies from her house one afternoon at 1-ish and they all had red and green popsicle face and dear uncle of theirs informs me that they haven't had breakfast... just popsicles! Grrrrrrrr! Feed my babies you moron! (Insert really grumpy face emoticon here)

We ended up having a lovely day with the kiddo's and pretended like we didn't want to stab lovely ex-wife in the throat... with a knife. How morbid. I know. But when everything has gone exceptionally well for over a year, and then BAM we get his with ex-wife's complete disregard for our plans... it really, really hit me.

Enough ranting. Just writing about it pissed me off all over again!

**Disclaimer: If any of your family, or yourself, lovely ex-wife have access to my blog, please ignore my rant. I certainly don't want to stir up unnecessary feelings, but you REALLY pissed me off that day. Thank you in advance. (Insert smiley face emoticon here)

Writer's Workshop: Playground Bully

So this week at Mama's Losin It the following prompts were offered:

1.) If I sent you four hundred dollars today what is ONE thing you would spend it on and why. ps I want my change.

2.) What are your kids talking about?

3.) Tell us about a local news story that's all the buzz right now in your neck of the woods.

4.) Share some blogging advice.

5.) Tell us about that time at the playground when that thing happened.

I'm getting all bold and gonna do two of them.

1 - If you sent me $400 smackaroos I'd go to the camera shop on the corner of Main and Cornwell and get that DSLR that I've been eyeing for $350. I'm completely and totally jealous of my sister and her ability to take pictures and somehow I think having a fancy schmancy camera like she has would make all the difference. Probably won't work. But you can definitely have the change... and a photo session.

5 - Playground huh? Well there was this one time...

at band camp...

when I stuck the flute up my...

Nevermind.

When I was about 10 I lived in these apartments in Cali with my mama. Lots of kids. LOTS. One in particular was the asst manager's son. Toby. Ya, his real name. I hope he's a blogger! Anyway, Toby thought he was the shit because his mama was the asst manager. Pfft. That didn't fly well with me, but my mama always taught me to be respectful and not to get us evicted.

One day I was being Resident Potty Mouth and accidentally happened to walk by his mother's window cussing like a sailor. My exact words, "I'd fucking get in so much fucking trouble if my mama found out I was cussing." Well, the wench Toby's mama was, looked out her window, pointed her obnoxiously long, Lee Press-On red fingernail at me and instructed me to get home immediately and she was calling my mama. Tattle teller. I hated her after that, and I hated her son even more... just for being related.

I always had the choice of being grounded or getting a whippin. It was summer. I was definitely taking the licks. No way was I going to be stuck in that apartment for two weeks while all my friends, and Toby, got to play outside. Boy she got me good. I bent over my pink canopy bed and took my swats like a man.

About a week later, I'm in the playground and stupid Toby walks over and starts taunting me about getting in trouble for cussing. He's cussing up a storm, mind you, while he's taunting me. We were 10 and it was cool to cuss. Meanwhile my favorite Aunt Barbie and my mama are up in the apartment, throwing back some vodka grapes, and I'm trying to be a good girl. I had a pink canopy bed for Pete's sake. But my inner boy-child came out. I couldn't help it. I think it had something to do with the "Here Comes Trouble" t-shirt my grandpa got me when I was 7.

Toby was relentless and it was up to me, the playground hero, to put him in his place... even if that meant my poor mama and I would be homeless by the end of the week. I had dirt on him you see. I knew he was the one who egged our neighbors truck and I would tell it. I would tell it in a heartbeat and he knew it!

He smarted off one more time and all I remember was my little arm swinging out like I had a sack of potatoes in it and my fist made contact with Toby's face! He grabbed his jaw and dropped to the ground... like a little biotch. My exact words, "I'm gonna go tell my Aunt Barbie I just beat up a BOY!" and I ran like hell. I knew that when he got up I was dead meat.

I get to my apartment and run to my room. Mama and Auntie had a few drinks in them by then and didn't pay me any mind. I was relieved. I was just waiting for the phone call from Toby's nosey mama telling us to pack our stuff.

Knock knock! There's someone at my front door. My Aunt, being closest, opens the door to find Toby, leather belt in hand, with a gang of boys asking if I can come out to play. Well, my Aunt Barbie was a rather large woman and the boys were afraid of her. She had a few choice words for them, as I was hiding behind her, and they left. Toby said I hit him, she said he probably deserved it, he said he was going to tell his mama and my lovely Auntie said Bring It On! She knew my secret about Steve's truck being egged.

My mama, sitting in the kitchen, none the wiser, only asked me to fix her another drink. She didn't care who was at the door and I surely wasn't going to bring it up. Auntie told me to stop being mean to the boys because one day I was going to have a boyfriend, and boyfriends don't like being punched in the face. Bleh!

That was over and I was happy about it. I beat up a boy and life was good. I was the Queen of the Playground to reign forever and ever. Until the following week when I didn't see Toby. And the week after I didn't see Toby. My neighbor Johnny told me Toby was in the hospital. I felt horrible! I thought I put him in the hospital! Come to find out, poor Toby had a crooked weiner and they were "straightening" things out.

The End.

Go on over to Mama's Losin It and tease your mind with tons of other glorious stories!

And Mama Kat, if you happen to read my tale, I would have put your handy dandy button on here, but the dang code isn't working properly... that or I'm a complete blog-tard and can't figure it out.

American Idol... and other random thoughts

Alrighty you Idol fans... here's my top 3 for this weeks' hot seat... (not hot like "oh you are so hot" but hot like "oh you've definitely got to go!")

Lil Rounds - I'm just tired of her. I think she's tired of being on the show too. The judges have given her sound advice over and over and over again and this lady just won't listen. She has absolutely no artistry to her singing. She sounds, and looks might I add, exactly like every original artist song she sings. Bleh! Don't get me wrong... she's definitely a powerhouse with a mad voice, but she isn't using it. I so wish she would have chosen a Whitney Houston song from Bodyguard or Preacher's Wife.

Matt Giraud - Although I normally like this guy, he's just to wishy washy for me. One week he sounds great and then the following week he sounds like he's got laryngitis.

Kris Allen - I really don't want him to be in the bottom three because I like this kid, but when I compare him to the others, I have no choice. I think he did really well last night, and I think he's got something good coming in his future, but honestly, he has no chance of winning the competition.

To my dear, dear Gokey. I have an issue with you Sir. I LOVE your voice, your reserved attitude and how you appear to be so humble. However, these last two weeks I feel you are grasping at straws and playing the wifey-sympathy card a little too hard. You pick songs that will yank at the heart-strings of every American voting and my dear, it's getting old. You definitely have an amazing voice and I love that you have heart. But Danny, I've noticed you are wearing your wedding ring only for the performances.... and I've noticed you are taking off your glasses, which are oh-so-delish, I can only imagine for people to see the true emotion in your eyes. We see it... even with the frames. I'm not down-sizing the sea of emotions you must be experiencing in the least. I truly sympathize with you and wish you all the best in your healing process. All I ask is please stop trying so hard to rip my heart out. Use your amazing God-given talent and win this competition so I can laugh in the face of all the hard-core Adam Lambert fans. Is that too much to ask?

And on to lighter subjects:

I am in the process of writing how the lovely ex-wife pissed me off the day before Easter. Stay tuned... but for some important history on the lovely ex-wife you might enjoy reading I DONT LIKE MUSHROOMS.

Ramon and the crew have yet to show up to vacuum my yard... and if they come during nap time I'm going to scream! Yes, I said vacuum b/c for some reason I can never think of "lawnmower".

I have had 2 cups of coffee and 3 glasses of tea so far today... I'm hoping I don't pass out before 4 from heart palpitations.

I'm sick and tired of typing about sick patients. I like the psych reports. Makes me feel sane. But it gets very depressing that every patient who enters the ER is diagnosed with 4 more disorders/issues than what they came in with. Seriously doctor, can't you just treat the pneumonia without labeling them all with depression, insomnia, SLE, type 2 DM and CAD? And while I'm ranting about doctors... really, after over a decade of schooling, is it possible that you might be able to pronounce the drugs properly so the little peons like me know what the hell to type? And furthermore, it is not necessary to say "pee-rod" (period) after every sentence or "break" when you want me to start another paragraph. I know proper sentence structure. I know how to make your reports look pretty.

I let my plants (the veggie plants I have been growing, from seed mind you, in my kitchen since February waiting and counting the days until I can move them into their garden beds) stay outside all night last night. I was scared. I've babied these guys, nurtured them, fed them, almost killed them with Pennington Plant Food, tripped over them in my kitchen, and talked every single day to them. They did very well. I was so proud of my veggie babies. And as soon as Mother Nature gets that rainy day stick out of her butt, I'll be able to set them free to grow in their beautiful beds made by Andy and produce me many, many veggies all season long. Gardening is therapy. I have probably saved $10K in therapy by just planting some seeds. It's a beautiful thing.

Last random thought: I hit the jackpot in the washing machine today. I have made a whopping $1.62, all in change. I can't wait to see what the dryer holds for me. Last time I hit the jackpot, I opened up the dryer to find a $5 bill with one end of it stuck inside the cylinder. I ripped it while hastily trying to unwedge it and tuck it in my pocket before anyone saw me. Andy says it's now a $4.75 and we cannot use it anywhere.

The Ex-Wife Saga Begins: I DONT LIKE MUSHROOMS

This is a post from a blog I wrote many moons ago (ok it was last year) in a group I've been a member of for years. I am posting here to give some history on the lovely ex-wife. Stay tuned for more about said lovely ex-wife.

08/15/08 - Ok so Andy and I have been seeing each other for a few months. By this time we have introduced our children to each other and do group things with the kids. Memorial day weekend is coming up and Andy's family has a family reunion out at Canton Lake. I've been invited, but I'm a bit apprehensive because this is a big, very close family. I keep hearing horror stories about how they hate Andy's ex-wife and what big a-holes all the guys can be. My impression was that these folks were pretty old-fashioned roughnecks who liked a hot plate on the table when they got home from work and the little lady would have a boot upside her neck if she didn't comply.

Well, a week before the reunion the "ex" calls Andy and tells him that "her" kids aren't going away with him for the weekend unless she gets to meet me. Immediately Andy goes left of course, because she worded it more as a threat than as a request. Being a woman, a mother and an ex-wife myself, I know what's going through her mind and the real reasons behind this "meeting" she's wanting. We all say it's because we want to know the person who is spending so much time with our kids, when in fact, we want to make sure the new love is fatter and not as pretty as we are. We want to see for ourselves that her thighs jiggle when she walks and she doesn't have that great of an ass. We've just got to see that she's got grey hair or a bad dye job and she wears her pants too tight b/c she thinks she's a lot smaller than she really is. Point blank -- ex's are calculating and have agendas.

After he gives her a few words on threatening him with his kids, Andy approaches me, very carefully, and tells me that the ex wants to meet me. No problem. I saw this coming a mile away. But I've been to this rodeo before and I can tell you this -- I gave her exactly what she was looking for. I'm not a pretentious "plastic" by any means. I showed up at her house and offered nothing but the real me. My hair was in a knot on top of my head, no make-up, worn out flip flops, a faded t-shirt and capris that were at least one size too big. Plus, I won't allow this to be a competition. It's simple -- I have him because you gave him up. Sucka! (ok, so it was a little fun for me)

We were going to stop by her house after she got home from work. The time was all set up. Well, after sitting outside her house for nearly 15 minutes before she showed up, I was a little peeved. Being that I'm chronically late for everything too though, I couldn't admit to being that mad, at least not outloud.

She pulls up in her big fancy suburban and all three kids safely buckled in. We get out of the car and head up the driveway to help her get the kids out of the car. He introduces us. "Katie, Denise... Denise, Katie". I'm not a hand shaker. I don't really like to touch people, especially those I don't know... and she reaches out her hand. Just seems odd to me, two ladies sitting out there shaking hands. Isn't that more of a guy thing? I don't know. Anyway, I take her hand and we nod our heads and put on pretend smiles. It wasn't really an uncomfortable moment, we were just too busy sizing each other up to really be cordial. She's pretty. Very pretty.

We all go into the house and get cozy. In my mind I'm wondering how long I have to be here. I met her. My job is done. Why am I still here? So the ex and I are sitting in the recliners and Andy cops a squat on the floor directly in front of us. The oldest child, then 9, goes to kid with him. The ex is just chatting away, talking to Andy, the kids and even me. I'm off in my own little world watching the youngest play in the diningroom and when I hear the ex and Andy giggling. I look back and apparently the oldest child was looking at her mother and I right in front of her and said, "Ya'll look a lot alike." Huh?!?! Don't get me wrong, I took it as a compliment. She's an attractive lady. It was more uncomfortable for Andy than anyone I think. I'm cracking up on the inside b/c she's Mexican, I'm clearly not. We don't look alike, but admittedly we are shaped similar.

This is taking entirely too long to get to the damn mushrooms. Let me fastforward.

We met, Andy and I left and that was that. One week left until the camping trip and the kids and I are getting very excited. Over the next week I meet more and more of Andy's family. These folks are great! I have no clue what he's talking about when he says they can be a bunch of a-holes. They all have been nothing but nice to me.

The day before we are leaving for Canton Lake, Andy decides to total his truck. Ok, it wasn't his fault and he's lucky I wasn't there. That dingbat kid who drove underneath his truck bed while she was looking at her flippin radio would have had my fist in her throat. By the grace of God, he wasn't hurt, but now we are down a vehicle and all of us can't fit in my little sedan with a ton of camping stuff. It just wasn't going to happen.

Andy calls the ex, tells her he needs to use her suburban. Surprisingly, she agreed. I was pretty much in awe at this point. I didn't want to like her, simply because she's the ex. It's odd. Not only am I taking her place at the family reunion, I'll be taking care of her kids and riding in her suburban. Wow. I'm not sure I would be so gracious in that spot.

Ok, the next morning, we get to the house to pick up the kids. They aren't ready. Here I go. I'm peeved again. They aren't even packed. Really? Are you seriously that bad of a procrastinator? I honestly think the only reason I was pissed was because I knew I was going to have to go back in that house, put on a smile and chill with the ex. Grrrrr!

I sit down while she's running around the house trying to pack things up, brush hair and chase kids.

Let me back up for a second. When Andy told me the ex wanted to meet me, she suggested we all go out to dinner. My reaction? "Bahahahahahahaha! I'll meet the mother of your children but we aren't going to break bread. We aren't going to be best friends and go clubbing together. It just aint gonna happen." My exact words I tell ya!

Ok, Andy is helping her get the kids ready when she decides to go into the kitchen and feed the kids. Seems appropriate, feed the kids before you send them on a roadtrip. I'm thinking cereal, quick and easy. This woman gets out a big ole skillet and decides to scramble up some eggs and make some grits. Not as quick as my idea.

She turns to face me and asks, "Do you like mushrooms?"

Andy is positioned perfectly in the livingroom where I can see him and she can't. He almost dropped to his knees. I was dying inside and he thinks this is the funniest moment in history. He gives me a deer-in-headlights look, waiting for me to open my mouth and respond. I'm not great at hiding my expressions, not at all. And I can't turn to glare at him b/c she's standing right there... looking at me... waiting for my answer.

I'm contemplating on how to appropriately answer this question. Do I like mushrooms? I mean really? What's the big deal? It seems like a simple enough question. So what do I do? I stumble all over my words, like a blithering idiot, trying to find the right thing to say without offending her.

"No. I mean, yes I do. But not right now. I mean, I like them, I'm just not hungry. But thank you." Total lie. I was hungry. I love mushrooms, but not cooked!

She seemed satisfied with my answer and turns back around to cook. My eyes meet Andy's and he's having a hay day with this. He's whispering under his breath about breaking bread with her and how she's cooking me breakfast. I wanted so badly to kick him in the chin and wipe that smirk off his face.

So now, anytime we talk about going over to pick up the kids, he brings up the mushrooms. In fact, he's told his whole family about the time that his ex cooked me breakfast. It wasn't for ME and I didn't want her damn mushrooms!

Spongebob vs. Mr. Woodcock

Here's another dream... or one that I can't remember! Grrr!

So I'm dreaming along one morning, minding my own business, and I feel Andy stirring in bed. I continue with my dream. I remember being partly awake because I made a mental note to remember my dream so I could tell Andy about it later.

Well, Andy wakes me up with morning wood (or Woo-Hoo for the Sims players)... and what else could be a better alarm clock than morning nookie fo'real... and before I roll over with my ready-and-waiting look (yanno the one... nightgown up to my boobs from tossing and turning all night, slobber on the side of my face, eye-goo and hair in knots look) his words were, "I can't do this while you are watching Spongebob!"

Mind you, I fell asleep with the TV on and I'm still asleep, or at least halfway asleep... but I never turn down morning wood. *Gasp*

I roll over, half-way giggle, wipe the slobber from my face and give him the come hither look, trying to bat my eye-booger matted eyes and I'm sure a green fog coming from my mouth.

So, for the last few days I've been trying to remember my flippin dream and the only thing I can remember was the very last scene before my eyes were completely open... Andy about to soar onto the bed, t-shirt on and boxers around his ankles, Mr. Woodcock like a radar pointing straight at Mrs. Hoo-Ha and Spongebob staring at us on the TV behind him!

Random Tuesday Thoughts

So I'm joining in with the rest of the folks at The UnMom...

Frogs don't have tails, even though I'm "tale", so I'm thinking about giving my blog a facelift again.

Woo hoo! American Idol tonight! I so look forward to Tuesday and Wednesday nights. And although Andy is secretly jealous of my obsession with Danny Gokey, he still watches it each week with me. I heart him.

Never fails, I say "Big K, we are having pizza for lunch today!" And she says, "I don't want pizza. I want a chanwich." If I were serving "chanwiches" she'd want poptarts or a pizza.

We've been watching Big Love. For those of you who don't know, Bill Paxton plays a polygamist with 3 wifes. I have to admit, I feel guilty watching it. I don't agree with their lifestyle. Not to mention I have to listen to Andy's constant threats of when he gets more wives, but that I'll still be first wife so I shouldn't feel threatened. Even though all of my moral being says this is wrong... I can't stop watching it. I'm addicted. Since we finished all seasons of the Sopranos, we needed to find another series that we could rent a couple DVD's at a time to watch. Andy's nephew recommended this show, of course he's the one who watches the Whores of OC or whatever that face lifted boob job snot bag rich bitch housewife soap opera crap is that obsesses over.

My poor, poor Andy. Every day I send this man to work with a lunch, coffee and some fruit. His friends at work all comment on what a wonderful wifey I must be to pack his lunch every day. He gloats. It's nice. We snacked all day Sunday and Monday night I was at school, so Nisha and Andy went out to eat. There were no left-overs to pack for his lunch, so for the past two days he's only had his coffee because I haven't cooked. His friends at work today asked him if we had broken up.

If Mother Nature could keep the Windy Stick out of her butt long enough, I could get my indoor garden out of the dining room and into the raised beds Andy built for me. It would be so nice to have my dining room back.

Things I have to remember to blog about:

• My coupon fiasco
• My sister's Dick
• The Ex-Wife

We are actually paying someone to mow the lawn. $60 a month. It's not a lot. I suppose I could go to Starbucks, get me a grande frozen crack in a cup and do the lawn myself for about $5. Who am I kidding... I'm going to sip my frozen crack in a cup on the front porch and watch Ramon and the crew mow the yard in about 15 minutes flat.

I got out of school early last night and decided to surprise the folks at home. Andy and Nisha both had "chores" they were supposed to do before I got home. Andy had the kitchen and Nisha was to sweep the floors. How come when I pull up in the driveway at 7 nobody is home? And no chores are done? AND they are out SHOPPING!

My mama called yesterday to tell me she bought me a canning utensils set from eBay. You'd have thought she's just offered me an all expense paid trip to the Bahamas with how excited I was. Simple pleasures I tell ya. Simple pleasures.

My mama also told me that granny said I could borrow her canner, but I couldn't have it. She's 900 years old... seriously. Then she said I could "borrow" granny's canning jars too, but I had to give them back as well. Huh? Really... I'm not going to can some shit and label it "granny's jar" so that a year from now when I bust open that jar of marinara sauce I'll remember to send that jar back to Texas. Thank you for the offer granny, and I'll definitely borrow the canner... but you can keep your stinkin jars lol.

That's all I've got for now. Time to feed the kids and get ready for the most glorious part of my day.... Nap Time.