It's Monday morning, and so far, the day is shitty... literally.
The kids I watch during the day have an awful bout of squirts. Baby K, 10 months, has saturated her clothes already and her mom sent the handy dandy buttwipe container only HALF FULL today. Nice. She has a God-awful rash and screams everytime I change her diaper. I manage to get elbow deep in poop and butt-paste. Poor baby, just breaks my heart :(
Then Big K runs to the toilet earlier and hollers for me.
Big K: Denise!
Me: What? (A rhetorical question mind you. I figured it was the routine "wipe my butt" conversation we have at least once a day)
Big K: There is poop in my panties.
Me: (Walking down the hall toward the bathroom) Did you poop your pants K?
Big K: Nope.
Me: Then how is there poop in your panties?
Big K: I don't know. But there is poop in there. Look. (she points)
Me: Yep, you're right. There's poop in there. Lets get them off so I can wash them. Stand up so I can wipe your butt.
Big K: I can't.
Big K: Because I have poop on my butt.
Me: Are you done pooping?
Big K: Yes.
Me: Then stand up.
Big K: I can't. The poop is stuck.
I get the child to stand up and sure enough, there's poop stuck to her butt. Poor kid. This is the kid who can't stand touching dirt, anything sticky, washes her hands constantly and freaks out if she spills something on her clothes.
So me, being super mom *cough cough*, I go in for the wipe... and my damn hoodie strings jump out of nowhere and land right in the poop blob just as I go to wipe. Now I've got poop stuck to my dangling string, a stinky kid in one hand and toilet paper in the other! Nobody move! Gross!
All I can do is shake my head.
So I finish up with Big K and the phone rings. I rip off my hoodie, take the poo'ed panties, Baby K's onsie and pants and throw them all in the washer so I can answer the phone. It was my beloved Andy calling for the 4th time today; the first time to tell me to have a good day (aww how sweet), the second time to tell me that I forgot to sign the check for the water bill so they are sending it back to me (ditz I swear, and I was trying to be so organized!) and the third time was to tell me he got a quote at Geico that could save us $15/month LOL.
Andy: Whatcha doin?
So I tell him the shitty stories I had so far and then proceed to tell him exactly how much toilet paper we've used since the 1st. TEN flippin rolls of toilet paper VANISHED in five days! I'm the toilet paper nazi I guess, being that I even took the time to count the rolls. I think it's mostly because I changed the roll 9 of the damn TEN times it needed to be changed.
Andy: Well, it wasn't me. I don't even use toilet paper when I poop.
Me: I'm hanging up now.
Ok ok, he's trying to be funny. He DOES wipe his butt, I promise. I think. God I hope so!