I guess I'm on a roll today with the "shit" stories. But while I was stalking other blogs, this funny memory from this weekend popped in my head.
Ever been driving down the street and something funny happen and you want to write yourself a note so you can remember to blog about it? That happened ALL WEEKEND LONG! Andy kept me laughing the whole weekend, only I didn't write anything down, because he'd think I was nutzo about this blog thing and so now I have nothing to blog about... Except shit.
Ok ok, back to the story.
So we had three of the four kids this weekend (the oldest was with her bio-dad, and by bio I mean that shithead rarely goes out of his way for this kid unless he gets a phone call with my foot coming straight out of the receiver aiming for his tail-end, and sometimes that doesn't even work so I call his wife and tell on him :D).
Anyhoo - we like to meander through thrift stores. I admit it, I'm a thrift store junkie. Now I'm not the old lady buying undies and fancy dresses for a buck, but I will get the kids play clothes, books (because I have time to read LOL), and occasionally I'll find some neat Nascar stuff for Andy. We just browse through there really and if anything hits home for us, we'll get it. The kids have a ball. I love that our kids don't care that we are in a thrift store and not Macy's buying $85 jeans for them to rip to shreds or grow out of in a week.
Jeeze - get to the story lady!
So the tween is trying on some shorts. She's in an odd size right now, so we just pick up what looks like will fit and have her try them on. Next to the ONE AND ONLY dressing room in this joint is the wall of books. I'm in book heaven! Well, on the other end of the book wall there is a lady, also seeing the jackpot of reading material, browsing through each and every book, moving her finger along as she reads title outloud. I'm not sure if she was just practicing reading aloud, or if this was a normal process for her... either way it was distracting to me and I couldn't focus on what the hell I was doing.
A few minutes into her title search, we met in the middle of the book wall and had to switch sides with each other. She moved in front of me and politely said "Excuse me." I backed up, but apparently not far enough. This woman smelled like pure D poop! I thought at first, maybe she farted and the smell would go away. Hell to the nawl... that smell had some hang time baby! It was rank, disgusting and I'm not sure exactly how she could stand the smell of herself. Ewwwww! And THEN, this lady squats down so she could read aloud all of the book titles on the bottom shelf! Oh-my-God lady! So just squish all the jam you got in your chonies all around will ya! Gag! I just threw up in my mouth a little thinking about this story.
So I gracefully move to the END of the wall-o-books, out of the nasal-scope of stinky lady. My beloved, sweet, charming Andy walks up and looks at a few books. I step away because I know in my heart of hearts, this man that I love so dearly, is going to say something outloud and my face will turn 10 shades of red, embarrassing for both the stinky lady and myself.
The tween comes out of the dressing room and goes to her dad's side.
Andy: PEW! Tween, did YOU do THAT?!?!?!?! (he's a grown man ya'll, and NOT a quiet one at ALL!)
Tween: Ewww! Gross daddy! That wasn't ME!
I turned and headed for the register, trying to hide from my family. I can't imagine the look on stinky lady's face, or why she stunk to high heaven and thought it would be cool to hang out at the thrift store.