Friday, April 17, 2009

Junk Mail - I'm just plain confused!

For a while now I've just clicked on "delete all" that was in my junk mail without paying any mind to the content. I've had this email address for many, many years and I'm sure I've signed up to and subsequently unsubscribed to a billion websites.

Here are a few that I actually looked at today...

I have been given the opportunity to buy an all-natural remedy, 100% money-back guarantee to enlarge my penis. Limited time offer! Is that like Miracle Gro for the "hot-rod"? And seriously... how do they determine it didn't work so that I can get my money back? I'm certainly not sending them before and after shots. In any event, being that I'm all woman, I didn't see how this would benefit me in the least. Delete. Undelete. Forward to my brother. Delete again.

1 800 Pet Meds somehow refuses to believe that we don't have any pets and continually makes me an offer to save $20 on brand name ped meds. Now, if they are referring to my children, ketamine might be an option. Delete.

Team Beachbody (ya, uh huh, when I take off all my clothes and underneath this layer of flubber I've got the body of a model I tell ya, a hot hottie MODEL) keeps sending me emails about the parasites in my water. They really, really want me to take a "Parasite IQ" test. Thanks, but I think we'll just continue drinking our cootie infested city water and be none-the-wiser. Delete and unsubscribe for the billionth time.

The F Word, aka Fubar, keeps sending me this one: Crazy Talk Spawns Midget Ninjas. I have no idea what the hell that's all about, but I'm afraid. Very afraid. Delete.

I can't even tell you the number of emails telling me to become a medical transcriptionist (which I have been for 15 years) using their online courses... or how to become an ultrasound tech ONLINE or how to become a private investigator ONLINE or how to become President of the United States ONLINE (ok that one was a stretch, but the rest of them are true). Delete, delete, delete, delete and delete.

Now I don't mind getting email, or junk mail. In fact, in between medical reports that I type I'm constantly (you better admit this too!) clicking back over to check my In Box for comments on my latest blogging adventure. My only request... and it's not a big one really... is that they would send me things I could actually use. I am, afterall, the queen of infomercials and unneccesary gadgets that will somehow enhance my life to the Nth degree.

Perhaps if I got junk mail on painless nosehair clippers or a natural remedy with a 100% money-back guarantee to keep the grey hairs from popping up all over my head, I might be more inclined to purchase.

I might consider purchasing something that shocks the little children's hands when they open the fridge or a mysterious voicebox that goes off when the last square of toilet paper is used that says something like "You better change the roll or the toilet will self combust in 10 seconds!". It would be great if I could get that in a Darth Vader voice. And then maybe another one of those that detects when a pissy hand grabs the doorknob to the bathroom door because the kids haven't washed their hands after using said toilet that says, "I've got eyes in the back of my head! Wash your nasty hands! And USE SOAP this time!" I'd like that one in my don't-talk-to-me-before-I've-opened-my-eyes morning growl voice please.

Ok I'm over it. Back to stalking my In Box work. Love you Andy! (Insert big fancy heart emoticon here)


CynthiaK said...

I love the idea of the talking doorknob. That would be brilliant. Why don't you invent this! You'd make millions. Especially if it used the Darth Vader voice.

Bon Don said...

I agree with Cynthiak! way cool!